Friday, November 20, 2015

I even love the squirrel

Almost two years ago my husband was medically retired from the Army. We moved back to our home state to an area where he would be close to the VA Hospital for medical treatment. Originally we rented a home while we waited for our home at his last duty station to sell. Once it sold we found my dream home. My Forever home!

The house and property needed a lot of work but the vision we had for it was very exciting. Because of the condition it was in, we were able to purchase it far below assessed value. Day after day we worked biting off one small piece of this huge elephant of a project to turn this home into everything I've always wanted.

It was a large home set on a beautiful wooded ridge. We dug our garden, he built our chicken coop, we landscaped the yard, leveled and seeded the back yard, exposed beautiful rock outcroppings that lined our back yard, cleaned up downed trees from the woods, planted an apple orchard, planted walnut trees, put in a strawberry patch, cultivated wild black raspberry patches for optimal harvest, removed invasive weed species, sanded and refinished the decks, finished remodeling projects, painted almost every wall of the house. In other words, we worked our tails off. It was good work, exhausting work, but very fulfilling work. Our children were a part of it the whole time, each tasked with various projects daily throughout the summer.

One day, about four months after purchasing the house, while I was hauling wheelbarrow loads of dirt, RLB said to me: "If we keep going like this making improvements to the property, we might be able to sell this place for quite a profit."


I'm not proud to admit it but I had a bit of a hissy fit right then.

"I'm doing all of this work for ME, not for some other woman to come in here and enjoy."

Yep. In that moment, that is where my heart was.

I was reminded rather quickly and sternly that the work I do I should be doing unto the Lord and to not set my heart on material things. 


But it's my home. My beautiful home! It's been so long that we've been moving around, why can't I have this material thing, my forever home?

Fast forward a year and a two months from then and here we are less than a month away from a closing date. I couldn't be more excited! It has sold within market range but for 17% more than we purchased it for. It has sold to a retired Veteran who I am confident will love it just as much as we do. He's also quite fond of many of the items we have in the home and has offered to purchase them. 

As I've written about, RLB's back pain and sciatic pain are gone now. He's off all of the pain medications he was on, he's lost over 40 pounds and is healthier than he's ever been. He has no need to live close to the VA Hospital anymore.

The job he had at that location was never intended to be his long term job. It was a transitional job and was not something he wanted to do very much longer. A recruiter had been calling him since he retired offering him positions in other major cities of our state and surrounding states, but never seemed to have one locally. Last summer they called again with a position that would be very hard to turn down due to the financial compensation. At that point we started considering moving again even though this big city where the job was is almost the last city we'd want to live.

This potential job, though, was not what he really wanted to do. Once again he was going to be taking a position that made sense but wasn't his heart's desire. For as long as I've known him, he's wanted to teach and coach.

A whirlwind started at this point. We talked about moving North, closer to where we grew up. The cost of living was much lower up there. He wouldn't need to make as much money for us to have the same lifestyle. What if he could teach there? What if he could coach there?

While he had a physics degree, he didn't have a teaching certificate/license. Little did we know that wouldn't matter. Days later we pinpointed where we'd want to live, looked up the school's job openings, found a position open for a physics teacher, he called, told them about himself, they started the background check process, he went up for an interview, and accepted their offer the next day (pending background check). And, he needed to be there to start working in a month with an emergency teaching license.

The house went up on the market and we worked even harder to finish up as many projects as we could. The search was on to find somewhere temporary to live up in our new city while we waited for the house to sell. This place would have to be reasonably priced, willing to do a month to month or short term lease and accept pets. That's not asking too much is it? At the time we had 10 chickens, six cats and two dogs... RLB's mom came to our house and taught me how to butcher four of our roosters and then graciously adopted the six remaining chickens, the momma cat, and two of the kittens. A friend adopted the other two kittens. Thanks to another friend who put us in contact with former classmate, we were able to find a sweet old man who had a little old house to rent to us that met all of our basic needs. 

I sit here now in this 900 square foot, two bedroom, takes 10 minutes to clean, squirrel living under the roof making a ruckus on the ceiling, temporary home. It's cold. Winter has arrived and the lack of insulation and efficient windows make for a very drafty little place. I don't care. I love this place. I love this town. I even love the squirrel.

And, I am absolutely ecstatic how happy my husband is. He is doing something he really loves. I've never seen him like this before. Though for now I don't get to see him much. Wrestling season has started, and what do you know, they needed another coach.

May God keep me convicted to never again set my heart on material things and to always do my work as for the Lord.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

How might one know they're talking with a feminist?

How do you recognize a feminist entryist disguised as a wife living in obedience to God's biblical instruction to wives?

She uses the word "allow" in the context of wives with their husbands.

Ladies, when you take advice from a woman, if there is even a glimmer of egalitarianism or wifely headship, run away. You are talking with a woman in rebellion to God.

A husband is declared, by God, the head of the wife. It defies logic that someone in submission to the head has the power to allow anything. 

A horrible exchange I read today from a lying SJW (I repeat myself) who has masked herself as an obedient Christian says all it needs to say about the intent of this entryist:

Maybe you just have no self-dignity and really allow your husband to tell you to shut the fuck up. I actually think you would never allow your husband to talk to you that way, and yet you allow some strange man to, and then suck up to him afterwards thanking him for his advice.

I don't know what "strange man" she is referring to but I do know he exists somewhere in the Manosphere - ie. the MEN'S sphere. - where men talk and exchange ideas. A place you might picture as the smoking parlor of the internet. Definitely a place where a woman's delicate sensibilities are not welcome. But that's a separate issue. 

Some excellent questions for this woman: "What dear feminist, is your recourse? How do you personally keep your husband in line from doing that which you obviously do not allow? How do you demonstrate, to your God ordained head, your self-dignity?"

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Pitying men

We've had this discussion with our daughters before, "there's no need to have a boy as a friend." We've also discussed that they should not get drawn into becoming a boy's (or girl's for that matter) emotional tampon. What is best for the boy is to find someone who is in a position to care about him that can actually help him. They are well aware that boys will intentionally choose to become Beta Orbiters in the hopes that eventually she will find value in them and upgrade their status. Participating in this is not kind, it is not honest, and is not becoming behavior.  

Here is the (edited for privacy) exchange our youngest just had with a boy: 

"I know you have no idea who I am but I have a huge crush on you and I cant help but think I would do anything to be with you"

Oh yeah, sorry, I don't really know you
"Yeah I want to know you better and try to be a guy who treats you like there is no one else in the world, xxx-xxxx if you want to get to know me text me." 

Um, sorry, I'm not really interested
(Picture of a minion falling on his face) "Oh ok" "BTW the minion represents my life I try to get up but get knocked down right away" 

She showed us the exchange and asked us if we knew why this boy would say what he did. (Our daughters have been taught that exchanges like this are talked about in house. They are not to gossip or humiliate boys like this by telling their friends about it).

Even in the grown up world I have seen men willingly accept and sometimes seek pity from women. I know there are scores of men out there who are in the fight to wake these men up from this desire and other misguided ideas so that they can achieve personal success. The only advice I have for men is to seek out MEN to talk to. You'll learn in due time that pity from a woman is NOT what you should accept or seek. 

For women (and teenage girls) when you are in a situation where your natural reaction would be to pity a man (boy), recognize this is not your lane and what you're about to do/say is harmful. I'm speaking specifically about people you don't know well, aren't related to etc. (Please spare me all the incidences where a woman should have compassion for a man specifically or men in general. That is not what I'm talking about.) Usually women are not equipped with the wisdom that pity seeker needs. Sure, she can tantalize his ears and tell him all that he desperately wants to hear and figuratively nestle him to her chest but this does not help him.

We recently had an old friend post on Facebook an emotional tale of his wife blowing up their marriage. I wish he would have been enraged and expressed that instead of talking about hurting and crying. What followed were hundreds of comments full of pity from women. That pity is now what defines this man, the sorry soul, the man who is hurting, the poor dear. Almost every comment he's had on his posts since then have been shadowed with this pity.

I'll try to explain the dynamics of it. To believe that a woman is capable of respecting a man whom she pities is as misguided as believing a man would rather be loved than respected. Even in our platonic everyday interactions with men, we want to deal with men we respect and have a visceral reaction to men we don't respect, find pitiful or effeminate. Men, similarly, desire to deal with and be respected by pleasant, kind, attractive women. They have a visceral reaction to ugly, harsh, loud, and bitchy women.

The woman who doles out pity to a man is being inherently disrespectful and usually condescending. When her words outweigh the words of strong men's advice to the pitied man, she is not only being disrespectful, she's interfering and is completely out of line.

We need to guard against thinking our commiseration is of any value to a man. It is not. And it certainly is useless when there are other men available to give good advice. Our motives need to be carefully checked when we feel the desire to express pity to a man. Often our own solipsism is revealed - we feel his pain as if it was our own. How nice...not helpful. Some motivations are more manipulative - hurting men make great Beta Orbiters - throw them some morsels every now and then and keep them close, begging for more.

Our daughter had the same reaction I would have: "Why did he do that to me?" in other words, why did he put me in that position? It is very disappointing and awkward. It is in those situations where women will pour out the pity just to ease the discomfort of the situation. Which again, is disrespectful and not honest. While it would be nice to not encounter men who seek pity from women, we should have a plan in mind for what to do when it does happen. What can be said that would be helpful but not disrespectful?

When I am with RLB, it is simple, I keep my mouth shut and look at him. Online it is even easier - don't say a word. And don't get me wrong, I am not talking about hospitality here either. If you have a visitor in your home who is being challenged by something in his life, gracious hospitality is always in order.

As you can see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know that giving a man pity is not the right answer.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Romantic Love - like sugar - is sweet poison

The conversations in our household about romantic love have intensified and for good reason, our daughters are at that age. Combined with being at that age is increased attention from guys and the visibility of other girls at that age in short term exclusive relationships.

Romantic love - is it real? Well, there certainly are real feelings that go along with it, but is it reliable? Is it something a young woman should want (before a commitment to marriage)? Is it something she can guard against? Protect herself from? Are there decisions she can make to avoid it?

As our daughters are navigating this new stage they are in, they've been able to witness some examples that, thankfully, they have learned a lot from. One young woman was in an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for over a year. The young couple made the decision that many do and had sex. She told our daughters about it and, as expected, appeared to have a great sadness within her. That sadness turned to embarrassment and deep regret when the guy broke up with her just a short time later. Our son knew the guy and when we were all talking about the situation, let us know the conversation that went on with the guys at the same time this girl was crying about the breakup. One of the guys asked what happened that they broke up. Our son, before the guy could answer asked, "Hit it and quit it?" and the guy said: "Yep!"

Another friend of theirs was in a parent condoned, exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for over two years (she's now 14). The unthinkable happened, he sent her a text message that read: "I don't like you anymore." Our oldest daughter learned of this and said, "If I were her, I would feel like I had wasted two years of my life."

So, if romantic love and exclusive relationships that aren't being geared toward marriage fail, is it a waste of time?

We've talked with the girls about the conditioning that takes place with these consecutive exclusive relationships. When something goes wrong...someone quits. There is nothing to prevent that person from quitting, there was no contract or covenant, it is socially acceptable, and often times is praised, supported and encouraged. Sadly that conditioning does not turn off when a couple gets married.

Talking to them from the girl's perspective, we listed some of the real feelings and thoughts a young woman has at the beginning of such exclusive relationships; she feels validated, complimented, special, "he chose me!" pedestalized, elated, giddy etc.  All seemingly great feelings right? However, she'll feel this in the beginning of the next exclusive relationship too. And the next, and the next. So are these feelings reliable? No. They are feelings but they don't indicate a single thing about the guy she's feeling them from/about. If these feelings can be felt in the beginning of any exclusive relationship these feelings must be all about her and NOTHING about any guy in particular.

So is romantic love something a young woman should want? In other words, is it good for her? Well it wouldn't be right for me to not tie in my other focus right now - sugar. Is sugar good for you? No. Does the taste give you pleasure? Yes. Is there something artificial that goes on in your brain when you consume it? Yes. Does that artificial reaction desensitize your brain from natural, healthy reactions? Yes. Is it addictive? YES! And, of course, in the long run, feeding the addiction is very bad for your health.

So, how do you guard against romantic love? How do you avoid it when you are not on a course to get married?

There are a few individuals out there who can just not eat sugar. Others, like me, must replace it with something else until our brains are done screaming for it. Sugar can be replaced with fat which then helps the brain to receive proper messaging from Leptin which silences the cravings and allows the brain to experience natural and consistent dopamine.

Is there something a hormonal young woman can do to quell the craving for romantic love?

As parents, we are genuinely more interested in our teenage children making wise choices on their own rather than following set rules with consequences for disobedience. I don't believe the proper lesson will be learned or wisdom gained if I ground my daughter for falling into romantic love. We do tell them they are welcome to use us as a fallback if they are in an uncomfortable situation and can't think of the right words, for example, "My parent's don't allow me to date." But that will only work for so long.

We were very happy with our daughter in one of her exchanges with a guy who has been persistent with her. She wouldn't give him her contact information for a social media account telling him she doesn't communicate with guys that way. When he asked why she said, "I don't want to lead anyone on or have any guys in the friend zone, I think that's cruel." To which he responded that he just wants to be friends. For the record, this is not a guy a young woman like my daughter could manage to just be friends with (AMOG in most situations). He's still in pursuit, of course. For now I just keep praying for her and talking her through these things.

The answers are found in the Word. Trust in, faith in, and reliance on that Word is what it takes. Trying to talk our daughters out of the desire to get giddy over a guy on its own might ward them off for a little while, but those cravings are powerful. They are going to have to pray on their own, seek wisdom in the Word, and trust in God above their own hearts.

 Proverbs 4:23 - Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.

Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool,
But whoever walks wisely will be delivered. 
 Proverbs 23:17 - Do not let your heart envy sinners,
But be zealous for the fear of the Lord all the day;

 1 Kings 8:61 - Let your heart therefore be loyal to the Lord our God, to walk in His statutes and keep His commandments, as at this day.”