Romantic Love - like sugar - is sweet poison

The conversations in our household about romantic love have intensified and for good reason, our daughters are at that age. Combined with being at that age is increased attention from guys and the visibility of other girls at that age in short term exclusive relationships.

Romantic love - is it real? Well, there certainly are real feelings that go along with it, but is it reliable? Is it something a young woman should want (before a commitment to marriage)? Is it something she can guard against? Protect herself from? Are there decisions she can make to avoid it?

As our daughters are navigating this new stage they are in, they've been able to witness some examples that, thankfully, they have learned a lot from. One young woman was in an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for over a year. The young couple made the decision that many do and had sex. She told our daughters about it and, as expected, appeared to have a great sadness within her. That sadness turned to embarrassment and deep regret when the guy broke up with her just a short time later. Our son knew the guy and when we were all talking about the situation, let us know the conversation that went on with the guys at the same time this girl was crying about the breakup. One of the guys asked what happened that they broke up. Our son, before the guy could answer asked, "Hit it and quit it?" and the guy said: "Yep!"

Another friend of theirs was in a parent condoned, exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for over two years (she's now 14). The unthinkable happened, he sent her a text message that read: "I don't like you anymore." Our oldest daughter learned of this and said, "If I were her, I would feel like I had wasted two years of my life."

So, if romantic love and exclusive relationships that aren't being geared toward marriage fail, is it a waste of time?

We've talked with the girls about the conditioning that takes place with these consecutive exclusive relationships. When something goes wrong...someone quits. There is nothing to prevent that person from quitting, there was no contract or covenant, it is socially acceptable, and often times is praised, supported and encouraged. Sadly that conditioning does not turn off when a couple gets married.

Talking to them from the girl's perspective, we listed some of the real feelings and thoughts a young woman has at the beginning of such exclusive relationships; she feels validated, complimented, special, "he chose me!" pedestalized, elated, giddy etc.  All seemingly great feelings right? However, she'll feel this in the beginning of the next exclusive relationship too. And the next, and the next. So are these feelings reliable? No. They are feelings but they don't indicate a single thing about the guy she's feeling them from/about. If these feelings can be felt in the beginning of any exclusive relationship these feelings must be all about her and NOTHING about any guy in particular.

So is romantic love something a young woman should want? In other words, is it good for her? Well it wouldn't be right for me to not tie in my other focus right now - sugar. Is sugar good for you? No. Does the taste give you pleasure? Yes. Is there something artificial that goes on in your brain when you consume it? Yes. Does that artificial reaction desensitize your brain from natural, healthy reactions? Yes. Is it addictive? YES! And, of course, in the long run, feeding the addiction is very bad for your health.

So, how do you guard against romantic love? How do you avoid it when you are not on a course to get married?

There are a few individuals out there who can just not eat sugar. Others, like me, must replace it with something else until our brains are done screaming for it. Sugar can be replaced with fat which then helps the brain to receive proper messaging from Leptin which silences the cravings and allows the brain to experience natural and consistent dopamine.

Is there something a hormonal young woman can do to quell the craving for romantic love?

As parents, we are genuinely more interested in our teenage children making wise choices on their own rather than following set rules with consequences for disobedience. I don't believe the proper lesson will be learned or wisdom gained if I ground my daughter for falling into romantic love. We do tell them they are welcome to use us as a fallback if they are in an uncomfortable situation and can't think of the right words, for example, "My parent's don't allow me to date." But that will only work for so long.

We were very happy with our daughter in one of her exchanges with a guy who has been persistent with her. She wouldn't give him her contact information for a social media account telling him she doesn't communicate with guys that way. When he asked why she said, "I don't want to lead anyone on or have any guys in the friend zone, I think that's cruel." To which he responded that he just wants to be friends. For the record, this is not a guy a young woman like my daughter could manage to just be friends with (AMOG in most situations). He's still in pursuit, of course. For now I just keep praying for her and talking her through these things.

The answers are found in the Word. Trust in, faith in, and reliance on that Word is what it takes. Trying to talk our daughters out of the desire to get giddy over a guy on its own might ward them off for a little while, but those cravings are powerful. They are going to have to pray on their own, seek wisdom in the Word, and trust in God above their own hearts.

 Proverbs 4:23 - Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.

Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool,
But whoever walks wisely will be delivered. 

 Proverbs 23:17 - Do not let your heart envy sinners,
But be zealous for the fear of the Lord all the day;

 1 Kings 8:61 - Let your heart therefore be loyal to the Lord our God, to walk in His statutes and keep His commandments, as at this day.”

Loving Fat - an update

In May I told you about my goal to lose forty pounds at the age of forty. I'm closing in on that goal with only 11 pounds to go and three months to do it.

Want to know a secret? I'm not doing anything but living my life with my new way of eating incorporated in it - never hungry, never feeling deprived, fully satisfied, and feeling incredibly healthy. I haven't exercised or exerted myself more than what my normal day requires. Week after week I lose a pound here and a pound there, a half inch of fat here and a half inch of fat there. My lean muscle mass has remained unchanged and my energy level is higher than it has ever been. I'm enjoying life without inflammation pain in my joints - like I had in my 30's. I'll be honest, I don't miss grueling work outs and the physical pain of exercises my body was never built for (running, for example).

By eating silly amounts of fat, I am steadily and without effort losing fat in a slow and very manageable way.

RLB remains pain free though he has a herniated disc in his back. It's been four and a half months since he was on Morphine and Percocet to manage his sciatic pain. The recurring facet nerve pain he had has not returned either. He had been getting injections for that pain every four months. His last injection was in the beginning of April. August came and went and the pain didn't return.

Always the scientist, he must test his pain threshold every now and then by eating a(n) (un)healthy dose of carbohydrates and feeling like crap for the next day. He claims it's because he needs to know if there is healing going on. I think it's because he needs to know how that burger tastes with the bun, or to revisit that dopamine high from that little piece of a gooey chocolate bar. The pain flushes through his leg shortly after his indulgence. Then my logical scientist makes yet another hypothesis that he must refrain from sugar in order to remain pain free.

We've had to purchase a new wardrobe for him. He's lost more weight than I have (of course) and is back to the slender anvil shape he had when I first met him.

I continue to study and research as much as I can about the Ketogenic diet and willingly share all that I learn with anyone who requests to know.

I often get asked if I'll ever be able to eat carbohydrates again. I do eat plenty of them, but they are all in the form of vegetables and nuts. No, I don't think I'll ever want to eat sugar again. I've learned far too much at this point. And, when I've eaten something that has added sugar I've found it's too sweet for me to enjoy. I've tasted bread here and there and it tastes like Play-doh to me.

Some of you will understand this (those who have been food addicts or gluttons), the most valuable thing I've gained from eating this way is the freedom to no longer fight with myself over food. I don't have food cravings anymore. I've successfully retrained my fat cells to communicate effectively with my brain. Nothing in my head is telling me to indulge. As a result of that, or just another huge benefit of this way of eating, I have no guilt from eating, no shame, no feeling of defeat. Some of you are probably wondering "what was wrong with you?" - really, that's what people who struggle with their weight go through. I remember it all too well. It's agonizing.

I once surrendered to believing that my struggle was about sin and rebellion to God. I spent a lot of time in prayer over this. Guess what, God didn't convict me I was in sin, he convicted me I needed to learn more and then He led me - He led me to the articles, to the people who knew more than I did, and to the research and studies.

Shout out to Keoni of the Hawaiian Libertarian - thank you for providing so much information, the links, and conviction. Also to commentator Looking Glass who took the time to help heal our guts (including my daughter's) with his very knowledgeable supplement recommendations.

Here are some of the links I've learned even more from:
Cereal Killers Movie
Real Meal Revolution
Mercola
The Charlie Foundation
The Weston A. Price Foundation
Doc's Opinion 

One of the videos I suggest to anyone curious about this fat eating diet is The Oiling of America by Sally Fallon Morell of the Weston Price Foundation. It's long and very informative, I hope you'll take the time:

Don't blink

We've reached a new stage in life: the beginning of having adult children. Our son just began the beginning of the rest of his life, at the airport, on his way to Basic Training.

Hugs and tears and "I'm so proud of you" and "I love you"

So this is what it was all for.

Man, that went by fast!

A friend of mine, another Military Wife who is now a Military Mom as well, said: "The pride will make up for the empty in your house." And that's just it, the ache of missing him is coupled with such an overwhelming excitement and joy. Tears and smiles. 

Good stuff.

No idols, not even your husband

Should we submit to our husbands because they love us deeply? Should we submit to our husbands because they are good providers? Should we submit to our husbands because they are strong, righteous men?

No. 

We should submit to our husband because of who God says he IS - the head of the wife.  

God's laws work for those who believe as well as for non believers. Gravity does not care if a person is an atheist or not. 

Non believers can enjoy the blessings on this earth of living a life emulating Christian morality, like submitting to one's husband, but they can not do so in accordance to the Command. A non believer can not "submit to her own husband as unto the Lord." If you'll notice, the sentence doesn't even make sense. She is in rebellion to the Lord therefore her best effort of submission to her husband has no foundation. 

In the comment section on Dalrock's blog, we met Jane Dough. A non believer who renounced Jesus Christ as her Savior when she was a teenager. She met and married a man who had done the same. Both set out intentionally to marry non believing individuals. They carried with them the family structure that is spoken of in the Bible and agreed that this would be the best way to order their home. They made an agreement that he would be the head and she would be in submission to him. She gave many reasons for why she submits to him and respects him: 

I love my husband deeply. He is a good, strong man who gives of himself generously to me, his friends, and his family. But I’m also very attracted to him in a very carnal way. I wanted to be attracted to my husband and I was fortunate that the men in my life taught me the importance of it. And yes, it was the men who taught me to look for someone stronger, smarter, faster thinking, and traditionally masculine.

 You’re missing the point. It isn’t that good job, education, or income are attractive themselves. What’s attractive is the amount of time, dedication, intelligence, motivation, and charisma that was required to get where he is. His success is just the result of these traits. He was completely laid out after a bad car accident for almost a year in 2007. He didn’t work out, earn money, make deals, or do anything but physical therapy. The attraction wasn’t lost during that time because it’s who he is that I love and want, not the results of who he is. The drive, wits, charisma, etc was all still there.

 But, if I married someone not believing that he really was my superior in real, measurable, tangible ways, submission would be much harder much more often. Not impossible, of course. And it should never be an excuse for not submitting.

In this comment she notes why she is worthy of her husband and a few of the benefits she gets from marrying the man she did (life would be easier) and submitting to him (she would be happier):

My husband married a virgin who respects him, loves him, and cares for him.
But I didn’t choose a husband blindly. I went for what I wanted knowing full well that I wanted a man to be the head of the household and that given my own personality, strengths, and shortcomings it would be easier if I looked for someone with certain traits. So I did. The men in my family were all strong leaders in their homes, and I was raised knowing that both my husband and I would be happier if I submitted. Knowing that, I found the best man I could to submit to.
Or I guess I could have married someone less dominant and successful and had to work 3x times as hard to submit while hoping that he would one day take charge. But it doesn’t seem worth it.
I definitely recommend this to everyone, male or female. Find someone you love AND are very attracted to. That’s why I’m never offended when the guys here write off fat women. They should be writing them off.

 It goes both ways. My husband is a better leader because he truly sees me as vulnerable. He knows it isn’t play pretend, and he is motivated to be the best leader and provider he can because I can’t do it myself. There is no question that *he* is needed, respected, and that I’m grateful to him. I don’t think he would have this fire for his family’s wellbeing if he thought I could manage everything on my own. We aren’t peers. He’s above me, and I chose him because that’s what I knew I wanted and needed, and everyone is better for it.

From a Utilitarian perspective, she believes emulating biblical instruction for marriage to be the best way to order society:

You don’t have to be a Christian to believe that lifelong, monogamous marriage is the only way to create healthy, stable families and that those families are what make up a functioning society. The only way for both people to thrive in a marriage is for the man to be in charge and for the woman to submit. This is moral, time tested, and whether anyone likes admitting it or not, supported by social science.

I can not argue with her. This is the best way to order a society. I have no doubt that she is a happy woman, living the blessings of well ordered life. Secular individuals who are also committed to never returning to the Lord and choose to remain separated from Him for all eternity, would do well, for this period of time, to follow her example. It appears families who do order themselves this way break up less and raise stable productive children. 

So why is it that her relationship with her husband is sinful idolatry?

(for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God) - Exodus 34:14

If there is difficulty to be found in submission, it is often because of a lack of understanding of why.

Why should wives submit to their husbands as unto the Lord? Because God said to obey His commands. God said that not obeying His commands is rebellion to Him.

What should you do if you are highly attracted to your husband, think he is strong, righteous, a great leader, a wonderful father, and a humble servant? What if you really like him, love him, desire all the best for him, serve him, and adore him?

You should submit to to your husband and respect him because God said to obey His commands. 

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. - John 15:4

Be watchful of your own heart, even and especially when everything in your household is running smooth. Even and especially when you and your husband are getting along famously. Mind your heart while your cup overflows and all that is great and wonderful that one can experience from marriage is happening for you. 

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Matthew 6:19-21

Men and Loyalty

After the woman who shared her story of submission with me gave me permission to write about it, I wrote to her and said:

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. You have witnessed amazing evidence of God's mercy. Always keep this in mind should seeds of doubt attack you - and they likely will. Stay strong and take every thought captive. Yours is a testimony for His Glory! Remain in the reverence you have experienced for your husband. Remain in the faith that it has come from God as a blessing for your submission and obedience to His Word. Forgive your husband as well and do not harbor judgement. Don't be tempted to accuse when God has made this Very Good.

I wrote her again to check in and see how things were going and was very happy to receive this response: 

We are doing well. Better than well! We have talked a few times in depth since and my husband has sincerely apologized for all of it. He acts like I never even had the fantasy, like I was an innocent bystander being coerced and he was making me do it. He asked my forgiveness and took full responsibility. I am doing everything I can to be the best wife and so far, I have had zero struggle with harboring judgement or not forgiving him, probably because I was so much at fault too. On top of the blessing of unity that came from all this, my husband usually does not open up, but this ended up being a reason for him to open up and tell me how much he appreciates my loyalty and submission to him over the last 5 years. I have learned my lesson about how easy it is to conveniently forget about God and how quickly rebellion to my husband follows.. Anyway, thanks for checking in and I will stand in awe of this stage of my life when I look back on it because it finally helped me understand the WHY of submission- trusting God.

As I come to understand deeper the nature of men, I remain in awe of the honorable way in which they respond to loyalty. As women, we might understand what it is to be valued but I don't believe we receive our value by expressions of loyalty as men do. Our value is most often felt via expressions of approval. When we are approved of, we enjoy a pleasant euphoric feeling of belonging, importance, and validation.

When we sense a lack of approval from someone we love, we most often feel hurt and shame and express it in a self defense manner with justifications and rationalizations. It is difficult for us to learn to appreciate lack of approval, correction, and admonishment because it is strongly associated with how we experience a sense of value. It is a wise woman who searches deep for Truth who understands that those who would correct us or admonish us are those who actually value us the most. If our behaviors are not healthy, are not in line with achieving a deeper relationship with God, and those who we think love us and know the truth, don't say a word, we are actually experiencing contempt - not approval, not tolerance. A woman must learn to be very honest with herself to receive admonishment and understand it is a loving gesture and is an expression of value.

Approval and loyalty are not the same things. One can be loyal and not approve. And, as we all know ladies, we can receive approval and find out later that not a shred of loyalty existed from the person doling out approval. Men are often confused by our desire for approval because they seem to innately know this. Approval is fleeting and is not an expression of commitment or steadfast loyalty. Men would much rather know someone is loyal to them and are not concerned with their approval at any given time.

When you read through what the woman who wrote to me said about her husband, know that this is the response of men to loyalty:

"He asked my forgiveness and took full responsibility."

"...my husband usually does not open up, but this ended up being a reason for him to open up and tell me how much he appreciates my loyalty and submission to him over the last 5 years."

When we hear or read of women who put restrictions on the respect or the submission their husband's are due, what we are witnessing is the extent of her loyalty, her fear, her projection, and ultimately her opinion of what is "righteous rebellion." It is subjective and determined either by her or a third party and it is a stumbling block for her husband to be free to fully hear any correction the Holy Spirit has for him. When he knows her "loyalty" only extends to the limit of his good works in her eyes, he knows what she has for him is tentative approval, not loyalty. In turn he can not respond to her with appreciation.

When we flip the script we can see that women respond similarly. If your husband added a caveat to his approval of you, every time he mentioned it, how would it feel? How much would you enjoy hearing that as long as you don't get fat, your husband likes you. As long as you continue to make his meals, he approves of you. As long as you have sex with him, he'll be kind to you.

Yes, I understand these things get said to wives. And what do women do? "That jerk!" Then they gather up their best gossiping girlfriends to discuss how horrible her husband is for his expectations of her and how he won't love her for "who she is." Next thing you know she's being told he is emotionally abusive and it would be best if she separated from him.

Do husbands respond that way when they hear of the limitation of her loyalty? Not usually. Most often they will proceed silently with an inner ache knowing his wife is not fully committed to him. Ladies, we are masters at hurting our husbands without ever knowing we are doing it. They just don't express it the same way. When years of this ache pile up what will become of his feeling toward her is contempt.

God made your husbands in a very special way, different than you. He knows how they perceive value (loyalty) and He knows how they respond when they know they are valued. Trust God that He gave you very specific instruction for your marriage for a reason. Do not fear it. Do not project on to your husband a distrust of his integrity. And stop talking publicly about the line in which your husband must walk to receive your loyalty.

“Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The Lord do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me.”

Ruth 1:16-17

Ketogenic Diet and Sciatic Pain/Herniated Disc

I've continued to do more research on the Ketogenic diet I am on. It is working well for my own weight loss. I am down 15 pounds from when I started, have lost several inches, I have a lot of energy and don't miss or crave any of the foods I used to eat.  I am also free of the pain I once had due to inflammation in my big toes, right hip and right thumb.

While researching, I've come across this study: Ketogenic Diet Improves Forelimb Motor Function after Spinal Cord Injury in Rodents.

As many of you know, RLB was medically retired from the Army in December of 2013 due to his chronic and debilitating back pain. He was later diagnosed with Facet Syndrome and was able to live pain free after one Facet injection. The injections last for four months before the pain creeps back. Due to his medical care being provided through the VA, wait times for procedures are very long. He's had to fall back on drugs like Percocet to endure the pain while he waits for approval for the injections.

His last injection was in the beginning of April. Prior to his appointment, he started feeling new pain down his right leg. Immediately after the injection, he could no longer sit without excruciating pain. For two weeks he wore out his feet walking around. It was the only way he could have relief from the pain. He was exhausted and frustrated. He started taking Percocet again and eventually had to go back on Morphine to get sleep and rest.

His MRI revealed a herniated disc between L4 and L5. It wasn't until May 21 that he was able to speak with a neurologist to discuss his options. It was decided the first treatment they'd try was another spinal injection. The first available date with the VA was July 9.

As RLB tried to navigate the VA to get approval to utilize VA Choice (a new program to provide a temporary fix the backlog), he became increasingly frustrated with the pain and need for drugs. He had already read much of the research I had found on the Ketogenic diet and decided he had nothing to lose. If it worked for rats, it might work for him. He asked the neurologist if there was anything he could do to help with the pain with regards to his diet. "Sure, drink more water, stuff like that" was the response he got. RLB winked at me and made the decision right then that he'd take this into his own hands and start the Ketogenic diet.

His first day of a high fat/very low carbohydrate diet was Friday, May 22. On Saturday he told me he wasn't feeling any break through pain. On Sunday he started weening himself off of the Morphine. As of today he hasn't had Morphine for two weeks and has been weening himself off of the Percocet.

Today was the day his injection was scheduled (due to VA Choice approval) at our University Hospital. He met with an intern first who asked him his pain level. RLB told him about the diet he's been on and how he's been pain free since 24 hours after he started. He kept his appointment because he wasn't sure if he should still have the injection for further treatment of the herniated disc.

When he went to the surgical injection room, the Radiologist came in and asked him more questions. His recommendation was for RLB to keep doing what he is doing, the injection would be redundant since the steroid is an anti-inflammatory and designed to do exactly what his diet has done for him. RLB asked if he had any concerns about this type of diet to which he responded, "No, you're a fit man, there is no reason to not stay the proactive course you've been on."

Fascinating.

Could this be typical? And if so, why isn't it prescribed? - I ask this tongue-in-cheek.

What if...He intervenes

The following post is for mature audiences only. If you are one of my younger readers, please defer to your parent's wisdom before you continue.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5:22-24

How could Paul say the word "everything" in this verse? What if a husband tells a wife to do something sinful? 

Looking at the account of Abraham and his son Isaac, we see demonstrated a blind faith, if you will, in obeying a command that would seem to be unbearable. It is quite apropos then, when I speak of taking Paul's writing in Ephesians literally, I'm most often asked the question: "What if your husband tells you to abort your baby?" It's an extreme example and meant to be a test or a stumbling block to prove that something else needs to be added to Paul's writing. That it is obvious he left something out that wives should just know. That the undeniable and obvious meaning of the word "everything" is: "everything except _____." The blank then needs to be discerned by the wife.

Abraham’s faith is a fascinating example for wives who might find themselves in a situation where they must choose to obey or rebel. It is written that God was testing Abraham and in knowing his obedience said to him:  

“Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.”

As wives we may find ourselves in a situation where we must rely on faith to obey what might otherwise be seen as a request that is impossible to obey. It is a spiritual battle to be sure. It is scary and heart wrenching. Intense prayer is the only thing that helps stave off the fear. And if there were anyway I could bottle up the end result and let women experience a whiff of it I would. But it is something she must decide for herself by faith.

Here's Abraham's end result:

¹⁵ Then the Angel of the Lord called to Abraham a second time out of heaven, ¹⁶ and said: “By Myself I have sworn, says the Lord, because you have done this thing, and have not withheld your son, your only son— ¹⁷ blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply your descendants as the stars of the heaven and as the sand which is on the seashore; and your descendants shall possess the gate of their enemies. ¹⁸ In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, because you have obeyed My voice.” 

A husband doesn’t quite have all of that to give when his wife has displayed the ultimate loyalty and obedience to his request. But what he does do is everything a woman needs to KNOW she chose the right path and she will hit her knees and thank God that he allowed for her to see the truth – there needn’t be an exception to what Paul wrote in Ephesians. Everything does mean everything and God is really that big.

I received an email yesterday from a woman who has candidly told her experience of submitting in everything. She has graciously allowed me to share this experience with you:  

I know that there is quite a bit of controversy, [denial is a better word] about whether wives should obey their husbands in everything. In light of this, I would like to submit an account of the last few months in order to illustrate, first hand, that our God is bigger and infinitely more wise than wives are, and He did, in fact, mean what He said when He commanded wives to obey our husbands in everything.

To start out, a few months ago, I confessed to my husband that the Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman love scene in the Oscar winning movie Black Swan, had stirred up female fantasies in my mind and dreams. My husband became ecstatic about this and from then on, we had a long running 'lesbian fantasy' that we often joked about.

Well, after a while, and after he directly asked me if I honestly was curious enough to try this and I answered  yes, he decided that we should set something up. Once it shifted toward a future reality and no longer a fantasy, I was flooded with emotions and blame. I spent about 6 weeks disrespecting, crying, threatening to leave, apologizing, begging, and starting over again with the disrespecting. 

We made a few Craigslist personal ads, some including pictures of my genitalia, or body shots not including my face. Then, i would skim through the other ads and see trannies soliciting several men for group sex with vulgar invites in the subject line. When I started to feel the pain of the reality that I was rightfully grouped alongside these evil, reprobate fags, I started using offensively manipulative tactics in order to rationalize my own sin and make my husband feel as bad as I did, like telling him that if he doesn't love me enough to protect me from immorality just because it would be enjoyable for him to watch, then I guessed I would have to protect myself from it. Then I would take down the pictures, or entire ads, only to put them back up after we would come to some agreement where I would chose the lady, she can't be sexier than me of course, before he would even read the ad and I would decide 100% of the details i.e. if we would meet her at a hotel, have drinks first, etc.

During all these months, I was purposely ignoring God. No prayer, no Bible reading, no entertaining my conscience. Just suppression, suppression, suppression. After a while, I realized that I could only go on ignoring God for so long and all of my sexual fantasies or my obsession with increasing my husband's desire for me were not worth ignoring God anymore. I finally came to Him.

I wrote down all of the disgusting things I wanted to repent of: self obsession, disrespect and manipulation of my husband, the lesbian fantasies, the addiction to moderating my husband's exposure to women that I deemed more attractive than myself and the indignation that ensued when I could not stop a situation from happening, t.v., phone or real life where he seen an attractive woman, the will full determination to ignore God, the constant frustrations that I took out on my husband through extreme personality shifts from crazy, psycho wife to sweet, happy wife and the ignoring of our kids that they endured during the hours and hours that I spent recreating new personal ads, renewing them, taking photos, arguing with my husband and other things.

I honestly and finally gave it to God. I prayed a prayer to save my life and bring me back above water. I starting reading Hebrews. I also happened to read Dalrock's most recent M-I-L post where the comments highlighted a debate between you and a few other women about obeying your husband unto sin or not. This was yesterday.

I have always believed that the passage was written as is for a reason and I have been committed to obeying my husband no matter what command he gives me. So, when my husband got home last night, I repented to him for my emotional highs and lows and for all of the offenses that I committed against him. I told him the truth- that yes, I do have a fantasy that involves me with a woman but that it doesn't mean I have to make it a reality. I asked him if he wants us to continue with this and if he has considered if it is a sin or not with possible repercussions. He answered that yes, he wants us to continue and that he does not believe it is sinful because we, as a married couple, are choosing to do it together and that if I did it alone, without him present, it would be a sin.

At this point, I had wondered about why a woman who wants a life of promiscuity but wants it to be excused, wouldn't marry an unbeliever who would ask of her sinful  requests that she already knows she would enjoy but she would be blameless because she is obeying her husband, who will be accountable to God for the things he has asked of her. I felt immense guilt because I was going to be able to do something sinful that I would enjoy and yet my husband will be at fault and not me. I did not share this with him, just thought these things.

Anyways, we renewed another posting and answered a few emails, one of which was a couple saying that they would be down tonight to come over and let us wives get together while they watched. This was a no for my husband because he didn't want another man to see it and so we never answered them and we went into the bedroom to bed. The urgency that I felt when they responded before my husband said no, knowing that I might be doing this very thing in a few hours prompted me to say to my husband "I suppose if this is actually going to happen in the very near future, I better change our sheets." I then divulged to him that I had an internal conflict over this being done on our bed as opposed to a couch or something because of the Hebrew's verse: let the marriage bed be undefiled. I then said that I know it is just a euphemism and that it is in fact the marriage that is to remain undefiled and I understand that the bed means nothing more than the couch. I said out loud, "but you said that we are okay because this is something we are doing together."

Suddenly, my husbands countenance fell. He stopped talking and started thinking. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said "you know what I'm thinking about." I waited a few minutes and said "here, give me a kiss goodnight in case you're not done thinking before we both fall asleep." He answered "I'm not gonna fall asleep." I waited a few more minutes. Then I said "I don't mean to prod but can you tell me the gist of what you're thinking?" He answered "That verse will not leave my head. I can't get passed it."

At that moment I knew it was over. I felt a rush of relief and I just started silently  praising and thanking God. I walked with my husband, both of us drenched in sin, I did not freak out once I had addressed my convictions of this being immoral, I simply, in passing made a quick statement/joke about washing the bed sheets and it was over. My husband protected me, himself and our marriage from defilement and now he knows that I was with him.

God found a way to intervene only once I gave it to Him and still honored Him through obedience to my husband. Today is a new day for both of us. Things are different and fresh. The sun is shining brighter and our cuddles last night were more meaningful. We are united once again. Praise be to God!

Had I refused and continued to make my husband feel crappy for allowing/asking me to be with a woman, he nor I would have ever felt the real unity that we feel now. Whether I would have chickened out or put the brakes on, I may never know. I would like to think that I was at peace enough to follow through, but I don't deserve that much credit.

I hope you enjoyed my story and that it will serve as a piece of proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel is in the form of a sinful request that a wife must obey.