Thursday, July 30, 2015

Don't blink

We've reached a new stage in life: the beginning of having adult children. Our son just began the beginning of the rest of his life, at the airport, on his way to Basic Training.

Hugs and tears and "I'm so proud of you" and "I love you"

So this is what it was all for.

Man, that went by fast!

A friend of mine, another Military Wife who is now a Military Mom as well, said: "The pride will make up for the empty in your house." And that's just it, the ache of missing him is coupled with such an overwhelming excitement and joy. Tears and smiles. 

Good stuff.

Friday, July 17, 2015

No idols, not even your husband

Should we submit to our husbands because they love us deeply? Should we submit to our husbands because they are good providers? Should we submit to our husbands because they are strong, righteous men?


We should submit to our husband because of who God says he IS - the head of the wife.  

God's laws work for those who believe as well as for non believers. Gravity does not care if a person is an atheist or not. 

Non believers can enjoy the blessings on this earth of living a life emulating Christian morality, like submitting to one's husband, but they can not do so in accordance to the Command. A non believer can not "submit to her own husband as unto the Lord." If you'll notice, the sentence doesn't even make sense. She is in rebellion to the Lord therefore her best effort of submission to her husband has no foundation. 

In the comment section on Dalrock's blog, we met Jane Dough. A non believer who renounced Jesus Christ as her Savior when she was a teenager. She met and married a man who had done the same. Both set out intentionally to marry non believing individuals. They carried with them the family structure that is spoken of in the Bible and agreed that this would be the best way to order their home. They made an agreement that he would be the head and she would be in submission to him. She gave many reasons for why she submits to him and respects him: 
I love my husband deeply. He is a good, strong man who gives of himself generously to me, his friends, and his family. But I’m also very attracted to him in a very carnal way. I wanted to be attracted to my husband and I was fortunate that the men in my life taught me the importance of it. And yes, it was the men who taught me to look for someone stronger, smarter, faster thinking, and traditionally masculine.
 You’re missing the point. It isn’t that good job, education, or income are attractive themselves. What’s attractive is the amount of time, dedication, intelligence, motivation, and charisma that was required to get where he is. His success is just the result of these traits. He was completely laid out after a bad car accident for almost a year in 2007. He didn’t work out, earn money, make deals, or do anything but physical therapy. The attraction wasn’t lost during that time because it’s who he is that I love and want, not the results of who he is. The drive, wits, charisma, etc was all still there.
 But, if I married someone not believing that he really was my superior in real, measurable, tangible ways, submission would be much harder much more often. Not impossible, of course. And it should never be an excuse for not submitting.
In this comment she notes why she is worthy of her husband and a few of the benefits she gets from marrying the man she did (life would be easier) and submitting to him (she would be happier):
My husband married a virgin who respects him, loves him, and cares for him.
But I didn’t choose a husband blindly. I went for what I wanted knowing full well that I wanted a man to be the head of the household and that given my own personality, strengths, and shortcomings it would be easier if I looked for someone with certain traits. So I did. The men in my family were all strong leaders in their homes, and I was raised knowing that both my husband and I would be happier if I submitted. Knowing that, I found the best man I could to submit to.
Or I guess I could have married someone less dominant and successful and had to work 3x times as hard to submit while hoping that he would one day take charge. But it doesn’t seem worth it.
I definitely recommend this to everyone, male or female. Find someone you love AND are very attracted to. That’s why I’m never offended when the guys here write off fat women. They should be writing them off.
 It goes both ways. My husband is a better leader because he truly sees me as vulnerable. He knows it isn’t play pretend, and he is motivated to be the best leader and provider he can because I can’t do it myself. There is no question that *he* is needed, respected, and that I’m grateful to him. I don’t think he would have this fire for his family’s wellbeing if he thought I could manage everything on my own. We aren’t peers. He’s above me, and I chose him because that’s what I knew I wanted and needed, and everyone is better for it.
From a Utilitarian perspective, she believes emulating biblical instruction for marriage to be the best way to order society:
You don’t have to be a Christian to believe that lifelong, monogamous marriage is the only way to create healthy, stable families and that those families are what make up a functioning society. The only way for both people to thrive in a marriage is for the man to be in charge and for the woman to submit. This is moral, time tested, and whether anyone likes admitting it or not, supported by social science.
I can not argue with her. This is the best way to order a society. I have no doubt that she is a happy woman, living the blessings of well ordered life. Secular individuals who are also committed to never returning to the Lord and choose to remain separated from Him for all eternity, would do well, for this period of time, to follow her example. It appears families who do order themselves this way break up less and raise stable productive children. 

So why is it that her relationship with her husband is sinful idolatry?
(for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God) - Exodus 34:14
If there is difficulty to be found in submission, it is often because of a lack of understanding of why.

Why should wives submit to their husbands as unto the Lord? Because God said to obey His commands. God said that not obeying His commands is rebellion to Him.

What should you do if you are highly attracted to your husband, think he is strong, righteous, a great leader, a wonderful father, and a humble servant? What if you really like him, love him, desire all the best for him, serve him, and adore him?

You should submit to to your husband and respect him because God said to obey His commands. 
Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. - John 15:4
Be watchful of your own heart, even and especially when everything in your household is running smooth. Even and especially when you and your husband are getting along famously. Mind your heart while your cup overflows and all that is great and wonderful that one can experience from marriage is happening for you. 
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Matthew 6:19-21

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Men and Loyalty

After the woman who shared her story of submission with me gave me permission to write about it, I wrote to her and said:
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. You have witnessed amazing evidence of God's mercy. Always keep this in mind should seeds of doubt attack you - and they likely will. Stay strong and take every thought captive. Yours is a testimony for His Glory! Remain in the reverence you have experienced for your husband. Remain in the faith that it has come from God as a blessing for your submission and obedience to His Word. Forgive your husband as well and do not harbor judgement. Don't be tempted to accuse when God has made this Very Good.
I wrote her again to check in and see how things were going and was very happy to receive this response: 
We are doing well. Better than well! We have talked a few times in depth since and my husband has sincerely apologized for all of it. He acts like I never even had the fantasy, like I was an innocent bystander being coerced and he was making me do it. He asked my forgiveness and took full responsibility. I am doing everything I can to be the best wife and so far, I have had zero struggle with harboring judgement or not forgiving him, probably because I was so much at fault too. On top of the blessing of unity that came from all this, my husband usually does not open up, but this ended up being a reason for him to open up and tell me how much he appreciates my loyalty and submission to him over the last 5 years. I have learned my lesson about how easy it is to conveniently forget about God and how quickly rebellion to my husband follows.. Anyway, thanks for checking in and I will stand in awe of this stage of my life when I look back on it because it finally helped me understand the WHY of submission- trusting God.
As I come to understand deeper the nature of men, I remain in awe of the honorable way in which they respond to loyalty. As women, we might understand what it is to be valued but I don't believe we receive our value by expressions of loyalty as men do. Our value is most often felt via expressions of approval. When we are approved of, we enjoy a pleasant euphoric feeling of belonging, importance, and validation.

When we sense a lack of approval from someone we love, we most often feel hurt and shame and express it in a self defense manner with justifications and rationalizations. It is difficult for us to learn to appreciate lack of approval, correction, and admonishment because it is strongly associated with how we experience a sense of value. It is a wise woman who searches deep for Truth who understands that those who would correct us or admonish us are those who actually value us the most. If our behaviors are not healthy, are not in line with achieving a deeper relationship with God, and those who we think love us and know the truth, don't say a word, we are actually experiencing contempt - not approval, not tolerance. A woman must learn to be very honest with herself to receive admonishment and understand it is a loving gesture and is an expression of value.

Approval and loyalty are not the same things. One can be loyal and not approve. And, as we all know ladies, we can receive approval and find out later that not a shred of loyalty existed from the person doling out approval. Men are often confused by our desire for approval because they seem to innately know this. Approval is fleeting and is not an expression of commitment or steadfast loyalty. Men would much rather know someone is loyal to them and are not concerned with their approval at any given time.

When you read through what the woman who wrote to me said about her husband, know that this is the response of men to loyalty:
"He asked my forgiveness and took full responsibility."
" husband usually does not open up, but this ended up being a reason for him to open up and tell me how much he appreciates my loyalty and submission to him over the last 5 years."
When we hear or read of women who put restrictions on the respect or the submission their husband's are due, what we are witnessing is the extent of her loyalty, her fear, her projection, and ultimately her opinion of what is "righteous rebellion." It is subjective and determined either by her or a third party and it is a stumbling block for her husband to be free to fully hear any correction the Holy Spirit has for him. When he knows her "loyalty" only extends to the limit of his good works in her eyes, he knows what she has for him is tentative approval, not loyalty. In turn he can not respond to her with appreciation.

When we flip the script we can see that women respond similarly. If your husband added a caveat to his approval of you, every time he mentioned it, how would it feel? How much would you enjoy hearing that as long as you don't get fat, your husband likes you. As long as you continue to make his meals, he approves of you. As long as you have sex with him, he'll be kind to you.

Yes, I understand these things get said to wives. And what do women do? "That jerk!" Then they gather up their best gossiping girlfriends to discuss how horrible her husband is for his expectations of her and how he won't love her for "who she is." Next thing you know she's being told he is emotionally abusive and it would be best if she separated from him.

Do husbands respond that way when they hear of the limitation of her loyalty? Not usually. Most often they will proceed silently with an inner ache knowing his wife is not fully committed to him. Ladies, we are masters at hurting our husbands without ever knowing we are doing it. They just don't express it the same way. When years of this ache pile up what will become of his feeling toward her is contempt.

God made your husbands in a very special way, different than you. He knows how they perceive value (loyalty) and He knows how they respond when they know they are valued. Trust God that He gave you very specific instruction for your marriage for a reason. Do not fear it. Do not project on to your husband a distrust of his integrity. And stop talking publicly about the line in which your husband must walk to receive your loyalty.
“Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The Lord do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me.”
Ruth 1:16-17

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Ketogenic Diet and Sciatic Pain/Herniated Disc

I've continued to do more research on the Ketogenic diet I am on. It is working well for my own weight loss. I am down 15 pounds from when I started, have lost several inches, I have a lot of energy and don't miss or crave any of the foods I used to eat.  I am also free of the pain I once had due to inflammation in my big toes, right hip and right thumb.

While researching, I've come across this study: Ketogenic Diet Improves Forelimb Motor Function after Spinal Cord Injury in Rodents.

As many of you know, RLB was medically retired from the Army in December of 2013 due to his chronic and debilitating back pain. He was later diagnosed with Facet Syndrome and was able to live pain free after one Facet injection. The injections last for four months before the pain creeps back. Due to his medical care being provided through the VA, wait times for procedures are very long. He's had to fall back on drugs like Percocet to endure the pain while he waits for approval for the injections.

His last injection was in the beginning of April. Prior to his appointment, he started feeling new pain down his right leg. Immediately after the injection, he could no longer sit without excruciating pain. For two weeks he wore out his feet walking around. It was the only way he could have relief from the pain. He was exhausted and frustrated. He started taking Percocet again and eventually had to go back on Morphine to get sleep and rest.

His MRI revealed a herniated disc between L4 and L5. It wasn't until May 21 that he was able to speak with a neurologist to discuss his options. It was decided the first treatment they'd try was another spinal injection. The first available date with the VA was July 9.

As RLB tried to navigate the VA to get approval to utilize VA Choice (a new program to provide a temporary fix the backlog), he became increasingly frustrated with the pain and need for drugs. He had already read much of the research I had found on the Ketogenic diet and decided he had nothing to lose. If it worked for rats, it might work for him. He asked the neurologist if there was anything he could do to help with the pain with regards to his diet. "Sure, drink more water, stuff like that" was the response he got. RLB winked at me and made the decision right then that he'd take this into his own hands and start the Ketogenic diet.

His first day of a high fat/very low carbohydrate diet was Friday, May 22. On Saturday he told me he wasn't feeling any break through pain. On Sunday he started weening himself off of the Morphine. As of today he hasn't had Morphine for two weeks and has been weening himself off of the Percocet.

Today was the day his injection was scheduled (due to VA Choice approval) at our University Hospital. He met with an intern first who asked him his pain level. RLB told him about the diet he's been on and how he's been pain free since 24 hours after he started. He kept his appointment because he wasn't sure if he should still have the injection for further treatment of the herniated disc.

When he went to the surgical injection room, the Radiologist came in and asked him more questions. His recommendation was for RLB to keep doing what he is doing, the injection would be redundant since the steroid is an anti-inflammatory and designed to do exactly what his diet has done for him. RLB asked if he had any concerns about this type of diet to which he responded, "No, you're a fit man, there is no reason to not stay the proactive course you've been on."


Could this be typical? And if so, why isn't it prescribed? - I ask this tongue-in-cheek.

Friday, June 5, 2015

What if...He intervenes

The following post is for mature audiences only. If you are one of my younger readers, please defer to your parent's wisdom before you continue.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5:22-24

How could Paul say the word "everything" in this verse? What if a husband tells a wife to do something sinful? 

Looking at the account of Abraham and his son Isaac, we see demonstrated a blind faith, if you will, in obeying a command that would seem to be unbearable. It is quite apropos then, when I speak of taking Paul's writing in Ephesians literally, I'm most often asked the question: "What if your husband tells you to abort your baby?" It's an extreme example and meant to be a test or a stumbling block to prove that something else needs to be added to Paul's writing. That it is obvious he left something out that wives should just know. That the undeniable and obvious meaning of the word "everything" is: "everything except _____." The blank then needs to be discerned by the wife.

Abraham’s faith is a fascinating example for wives who might find themselves in a situation where they must choose to obey or rebel. It is written that God was testing Abraham and in knowing his obedience said to him:  
“Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.”
As wives we may find ourselves in a situation where we must rely on faith to obey what might otherwise be seen as a request that is impossible to obey. It is a spiritual battle to be sure. It is scary and heart wrenching. Intense prayer is the only thing that helps stave off the fear. And if there were anyway I could bottle up the end result and let women experience a whiff of it I would. But it is something she must decide for herself by faith.

Here's Abraham's end result:
15 Then the Angel of the Lord called to Abraham a second time out of heaven, 16 and said: “By Myself I have sworn, says the Lord, because you have done this thing, and have not withheld your son, your only son— 17 blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply your descendants as the stars of the heaven and as the sand which is on the seashore; and your descendants shall possess the gate of their enemies. 18 In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, because you have obeyed My voice.” 
A husband doesn’t quite have all of that to give when his wife has displayed the ultimate loyalty and obedience to his request. But what he does do is everything a woman needs to KNOW she chose the right path and she will hit her knees and thank God that he allowed for her to see the truth – there needn’t be an exception to what Paul wrote in Ephesians. Everything does mean everything and God is really that big.

I received an email yesterday from a woman who has candidly told her experience of submitting in everything. She has graciously allowed me to share this experience with you:  
I know that there is quite a bit of controversy, [denial is a better word] about whether wives should obey their husbands in everything. In light of this, I would like to submit an account of the last few months in order to illustrate, first hand, that our God is bigger and infinitely more wise than wives are, and He did, in fact, mean what He said when He commanded wives to obey our husbands in everything.

To start out, a few months ago, I confessed to my husband that the Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman love scene in the Oscar winning movie Black Swan, had stirred up female fantasies in my mind and dreams. My husband became ecstatic about this and from then on, we had a long running 'lesbian fantasy' that we often joked about.

Well, after a while, and after he directly asked me if I honestly was curious enough to try this and I answered  yes, he decided that we should set something up. Once it shifted toward a future reality and no longer a fantasy, I was flooded with emotions and blame. I spent about 6 weeks disrespecting, crying, threatening to leave, apologizing, begging, and starting over again with the disrespecting. 

We made a few Craigslist personal ads, some including pictures of my genitalia, or body shots not including my face. Then, i would skim through the other ads and see trannies soliciting several men for group sex with vulgar invites in the subject line. When I started to feel the pain of the reality that I was rightfully grouped alongside these evil, reprobate fags, I started using offensively manipulative tactics in order to rationalize my own sin and make my husband feel as bad as I did, like telling him that if he doesn't love me enough to protect me from immorality just because it would be enjoyable for him to watch, then I guessed I would have to protect myself from it. Then I would take down the pictures, or entire ads, only to put them back up after we would come to some agreement where I would chose the lady, she can't be sexier than me of course, before he would even read the ad and I would decide 100% of the details i.e. if we would meet her at a hotel, have drinks first, etc.

During all these months, I was purposely ignoring God. No prayer, no Bible reading, no entertaining my conscience. Just suppression, suppression, suppression. After a while, I realized that I could only go on ignoring God for so long and all of my sexual fantasies or my obsession with increasing my husband's desire for me were not worth ignoring God anymore. I finally came to Him.

I wrote down all of the disgusting things I wanted to repent of: self obsession, disrespect and manipulation of my husband, the lesbian fantasies, the addiction to moderating my husband's exposure to women that I deemed more attractive than myself and the indignation that ensued when I could not stop a situation from happening, t.v., phone or real life where he seen an attractive woman, the will full determination to ignore God, the constant frustrations that I took out on my husband through extreme personality shifts from crazy, psycho wife to sweet, happy wife and the ignoring of our kids that they endured during the hours and hours that I spent recreating new personal ads, renewing them, taking photos, arguing with my husband and other things.

I honestly and finally gave it to God. I prayed a prayer to save my life and bring me back above water. I starting reading Hebrews. I also happened to read Dalrock's most recent M-I-L post where the comments highlighted a debate between you and a few other women about obeying your husband unto sin or not. This was yesterday.

I have always believed that the passage was written as is for a reason and I have been committed to obeying my husband no matter what command he gives me. So, when my husband got home last night, I repented to him for my emotional highs and lows and for all of the offenses that I committed against him. I told him the truth- that yes, I do have a fantasy that involves me with a woman but that it doesn't mean I have to make it a reality. I asked him if he wants us to continue with this and if he has considered if it is a sin or not with possible repercussions. He answered that yes, he wants us to continue and that he does not believe it is sinful because we, as a married couple, are choosing to do it together and that if I did it alone, without him present, it would be a sin.

At this point, I had wondered about why a woman who wants a life of promiscuity but wants it to be excused, wouldn't marry an unbeliever who would ask of her sinful  requests that she already knows she would enjoy but she would be blameless because she is obeying her husband, who will be accountable to God for the things he has asked of her. I felt immense guilt because I was going to be able to do something sinful that I would enjoy and yet my husband will be at fault and not me. I did not share this with him, just thought these things.

Anyways, we renewed another posting and answered a few emails, one of which was a couple saying that they would be down tonight to come over and let us wives get together while they watched. This was a no for my husband because he didn't want another man to see it and so we never answered them and we went into the bedroom to bed. The urgency that I felt when they responded before my husband said no, knowing that I might be doing this very thing in a few hours prompted me to say to my husband "I suppose if this is actually going to happen in the very near future, I better change our sheets." I then divulged to him that I had an internal conflict over this being done on our bed as opposed to a couch or something because of the Hebrew's verse: let the marriage bed be undefiled. I then said that I know it is just a euphemism and that it is in fact the marriage that is to remain undefiled and I understand that the bed means nothing more than the couch. I said out loud, "but you said that we are okay because this is something we are doing together."

Suddenly, my husbands countenance fell. He stopped talking and started thinking. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said "you know what I'm thinking about." I waited a few minutes and said "here, give me a kiss goodnight in case you're not done thinking before we both fall asleep." He answered "I'm not gonna fall asleep." I waited a few more minutes. Then I said "I don't mean to prod but can you tell me the gist of what you're thinking?" He answered "That verse will not leave my head. I can't get passed it."

At that moment I knew it was over. I felt a rush of relief and I just started silently  praising and thanking God. I walked with my husband, both of us drenched in sin, I did not freak out once I had addressed my convictions of this being immoral, I simply, in passing made a quick statement/joke about washing the bed sheets and it was over. My husband protected me, himself and our marriage from defilement and now he knows that I was with him.

God found a way to intervene only once I gave it to Him and still honored Him through obedience to my husband. Today is a new day for both of us. Things are different and fresh. The sun is shining brighter and our cuddles last night were more meaningful. We are united once again. Praise be to God!

Had I refused and continued to make my husband feel crappy for allowing/asking me to be with a woman, he nor I would have ever felt the real unity that we feel now. Whether I would have chickened out or put the brakes on, I may never know. I would like to think that I was at peace enough to follow through, but I don't deserve that much credit.

I hope you enjoyed my story and that it will serve as a piece of proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel is in the form of a sinful request that a wife must obey.

Monday, June 1, 2015

20 years of God's perfect timing

Remember back to the darkest, loneliest, most confusing time of your life. The most painful time you've been through. Then imagine yourself, twenty-three years later. The wounds of that painful time have been healed for many years, and you're in the midst of great harvest. You're in a time when you know in your heart, you are living the best days you have ever lived, are more joyful and thankful than you ever have been and sometimes in awe that this is your life, considering where you had come from and what a mess your life had seemed during your darkest hours.

Then imagine being able to read someone's words, someone you don't even remember, written about you during the dark time.

Exactly that happened to me yesterday. Waiting in the mailbox from the day prior was my mother's medical records from the hospital she died in. I had requested those records to learn more about the cancer she had. There was a lot I either was never told or didn't remember. She had been diagnosed when I was twelve years old and died when I was seventeen. There was much about her illness I just didn't pay attention to.

In the medical records I found bereavement assessment records. A woman from the hospital had been assigned to me to contact periodically and track how I was coping. I hadn't remembered this woman until reading the records.

Her notes about me accurately reflected a lot of what I would say about my own self looking back to that time. But there was something about reading a stranger's perspective of me that I'm not sure I know how to put in words yet.

"She is a rebellious teen."
"Dad not involved."
"Sister says she was always mixed up, not just since mom's death."
"She's like a lost soul."
"I don't think family was close."

One month after my Mother's death:
"Is a tough kid but has very little support system."
"She feels like she has her life on track now (plans for school and less partying etc.) but reading between the lines gave a different story."

Two months after:
"Our lunch date was spent talking about her boyfriend. He's "bad news" and she knows she doesn't need him or his temper but he's the only support for her now. She talked about having no self-confidence, not feeling like she deserved a "good guy" - seems to be so many instances of abandonment for her."
"Unlike other conversations she sounded sort of remote, as if she couldn't afford to have feelings right now."

Three months after:
"She seems well-organized but lost emotionally under a facade of "tough chick" - very insecure in some ways. Seems like a critical time for her."

Four months after:
"Seems impossible to reach her. And I'm not sure any of my messages are getting through."

One year later:
"She's still in school. Made Dean's list last semester."
"As always difficult to tell what's really going on. She's a very self-sufficient young lady."

There were no more records after that.

This morning I was still contemplating what I had read in those medical records and the journey I've been on since the time they were written. I watched this video, courtesy of a commentator at VP and Vox. What beautiful timing God has.

Just when you would think the ditch is too deep and I'm undeserving that's when God rocked up and opened my eyes to His reality
I began the journey of walking with God and in that experience he began to bring cleansing to defilement. He began to bring healing to my angry, wounded, ripped-off heart and then he dressed himself up in skin and loved me potently through his people. 
I met RLB two years and three months after my mother's death. We were married nine months after that. Shortly after we married I saw what RLB does when life is difficult. He reads the Bible. Even Especially when his wife was mocking him for doing so.

In case you are new here and don't know the past of the woman RLB valued enough to marry and witness to, you may read it here.

In two days RLB and I celebrate our 20th Anniversary. I am so very grateful for this man. 

Thank you, RLB, for looking past the wretched mess I was and for heeding and living God's instruction for husbands: 
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. -Ephesians 5:25-33
You are my favorite thing. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Accounting for a lack of virtue

In the comment section over at Alpha Game, commenter Jack Amok responded to this comment:
I have often thought that much of Game and Red Pill theory assumes a general lack of virtue, especially in women.
You can look at it as either accounting for a lack of virtue, or assuming it. Those are different attitudes, and both are exhibited by different sets of people in the manosphere. 
 Our relationships with our daughters and other women become simplified and more productive if we, as women, embrace what men, who are successful in the socio/sexual realm, embrace.

As the more social of the sexes, we, as mothers, will witness or learn of our daughter's social interactions and will be in a position to give them advice and mentor them on how to respond and react to various social exchanges. We entertain more banal or trivial conversations with them than their fathers generally do. It is within those conversations that we can help our daughters the most with their perspectives, reactions, and attitudes.

For example, one of my daughters had a, for lack of a better word, stimulating social interaction with some friends. I could tell that whatever they talked about energized her. However when I learned what she and the girls were talking about my mother's heart sank and my concern for her relationship with God prompted me right into mentoring mode. Their conversation was about another girl. Their conversation was pure gossip.

The girl who was being gossiped about had done something they didn't like and they decided, as women do, to tighten the ranks of their herd by casting out the member who had gone afoul and solidifying solidarity among the remaining members with the fear of shame and becoming an outcast if the they themselves should make the same error.

There are several different ways I could have approached parenting this situation.

- The worst way would to have given tacit approval of the gossip by either not disciplining her or by agreeing that whatever the outcast member had done was grounds for a gossip session. This would be justifying her sin and engaging in gossip myself - a very tempting option for mothers who are in the habit of seeing their daughters as infallible extensions of themselves or are unwilling to take the time to mentor, correct, and instruct them at every opportunity that presents itself.

- I could have appealed to "ought" -
You ought to have known better.
This is an expression of expectation of someone's virtue that can be very frustrating to the wrongdoer. If I hadn't explicitly taught her this lesson she was about to learn, how should she have known better? Should it have been innate?

If I believe I, as a woman, innately posses the virtue that prevents me from joining in gossip then perhaps this expectation is warranted. But what now? My own daughter doesn't posses the natural virtue that I believe we are born with?

Also, my own honesty betrays me with the truth that I too have engaged in this type of gossip before. In fact I really don't know a woman who hasn't. I've met some really devoted Christians who are honest with fighting back the temptation to gossip - which means they too don't innately posses the virtue needed to prevent the temptation.

Ought doesn't work here. And to tell her "You ought to have known better," keeps "is" in denial.

Which leads me back to Jack's comment:
You can look at it as either accounting for a lack of virtue...
- I could respond to may daughter in a manner that accounts for her lack of virtue in this area. Which is what I did. When she told me of the conversations that were had, I calmly said to her, "Honey, you participated in gossip. That's not good." I then took the time to have a long conversation with her letting her know I understand how this happens, why it happens, and how to prevent it from happening in the future. We discussed the other girl's perspective and what she would feel like in that girl's shoes. We discussed how this sort of thing does not help anyone, in fact if we continue to engage in it and relish the false fulfillment we get from it, we are led down to deeper pits because as it is sin, it is insatiable. It leads to a damaged relationship with God and our own health and well being. I explained that resisting the urge to gossip isn't as much about protecting the girl who is the subject of the gossip, it is about protecting our own selves and choosing the path, though it is oftentimes difficult, that leads to a more fulfilling and joy filled realization that we have chosen God's Truth over Satan's lies.

RLB has been very good at accounting for the virtues that I have lacked. I appreciate the fact that he doesn't allow me to stay in my sin or keep my vices. He doesn't assume I ought to know better. He's not disappointed in me or disgusted by that which I don't naturally possess yet he does. He just corrects me as he believes he should.

Just yesterday I had an emotional reaction to a news story: "This is just ridiculous!" He listened for just a few seconds as I escalated my outrage. He then stopped me and said, "Don't be emotional about this." And then demonstrated how he shares my opinion but is able to do so without changing his mood.

Funny, I talk with my daughters about that quite often. "External circumstances do not determine our moods."

Recognizing that I lack this innate calm, rational approach to mood regulation helps me to account for it in my daughters and other women.

I am still accountable and responsible for my failures. Merely not possessing an innate trait does not relieve us, as women, from the consequences. We need to wisely learn from each situation and commit ourselves to pursue possessing the virtues that don't come naturally. While RLB is very patient with me, there is a limit to what he will put up. If he knows I have demonstrated the internalization of virtuous behavior, but am choosing presently to act as if I lack the virtue, he correctly sees it as rebellion to God and addresses that instead. Which is another thing we, as mothers, should be on the lookout for with our daughters. It's neither "You ought to have known better," nor an accounting for her lack of virtue,  at that point it is: "I know you DO know better - it's time to talk about rebellion."