Monday, November 4, 2013

Do you need her help?

When considering what causes women to be attracted to a man and subsequently keeps her attracted to that man, I've been giving a lot of thought to the idea that money, in and of itself, has little to do with it.
 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him. - Genesis 2:18
 A helper.

We were created to be helpers. It makes sense that if we are with a man who has no need for our help, we would not continue to find that man attractive, as is illustrated here by commenter, Bodycrimes:
 One of my friends broke up her relationship because he had TOO much money. She said the day she knew it wasn't going to work was the rainy day they spent together looking at the classifieds for a house to buy and develop, just because they were bored. She said her idea of a marriage was that it represented a future the couple could work on together - saving up for their first home, saving up for their first trip together, getting excited about planning their future life together. She said none of this was going to be possible with someone who had so much money he could buy a house on a whim, plus she would always be just the pretty handbag on his arm. So she went and found someone else.
When I think back over the years we've been married and ask what it was that has kept me so darned attracted to my husband I can see that a big part of it was because he's needed a lot of help. I tease. What it actually was is how he expresses his need for my help.

Right from the beginning, when we were dating he wanted my help. He needed my help scoring for his dart team, then he needed my help to be a sub for that team. He needed my help doing his laundry. He needed my help by switching cars with him because he was behind on payments on his sports car and didn't want it to get repossessed. He needed my help when he went hunting, to drive deer.

The way he asks tells me is in an upbeat, manner: "Hey, I need you to..." **

I don't know if he's done this intentionally, certainly there were times he didn't actually need anyone's help, but he's always kept me swept up in being part of his team, helping him with what he was doing.

Recently I advised a deploying Soldier who asked how to keep a brand new long distance relationship going while he was away. I told him to keep telling her you need her help. Even if he could get the things he needed where he was going, to tell her to send him various things; food, movies, books etc. RLB did that while he was deployed; "Hey, I need you to send me..."

With every job RLB has had, he's told me he needed my help with something. He has managed to keep me busy helping him for over nineteen years. His need for my help has always extended beyond the household work I do into his realm of work, entertainment, hobbies etc. Since I've been a mother, he's never wanted my help in the literal exchange of my hours for dollars by working a job. That is a personal preference of his, that he exchange his time for money. I've offered several times and while he's appreciated my willingness, he's never found it something that would be helpful to him. Instead, he has told me how he needs my help in ways that support his work that provides income.

For a man to need help from his wife, he necessarily needs to be doing something. He has a mission. It really doesn't matter to us women what that mission is, when a husband tells his wife he needs her help in that mission, he is fulfilling one of her most basic needs - the ability to do that which she was created to do. She then will get under his mission...submission. I'm not saying my experience will be the same with all women, but I do know that for me, this has kept me desiring him and highly attracted to him.

**This might be the most important part of maintaining high attraction - assertiveness. I never got the impression I was being asked something I could (or wanted to) say "no" to, it wasn't a question, it was a statement, "I need you to..." There was nothing to debate, nothing to rebel against, it was a matter of fact. What happened in my brain was he needs me.


  1. Not only does this sum up neatly why women flip out so massively over a war slogan of "who needs women?", but possibly sums up one (secondary) lure of feminism. Remember that they told us we were useless as "only housewives" and not serving any purpose, and we should be "productive" and go us forth to labor in the fields and offices in order to really "help".

    Call a woman "useless" and you take away her worth. All we have to offer, in the end, is our help.

    Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going in my current situation is knowing that I am helping His Lordship, even when I lose sight of the Glorious Purpose. It should be Jesus, I know, but I am only human. (Well, mostly.)

  2. ...Gosh, now that I've thought about it for a second, I've realized that "help husband" is exactly what the Church is designed to do.

    I'm going to go contemplate this.

  3. Not only does this sum up neatly why women flip out so massively over a war slogan of "who needs women?"

    Yes, that is the response those who tout that war slogan relish in. They are literally tickled when we over react. It serves us right, they'll say. That's why they don't silently go their own way. It's a passive aggressive attempt to get a society of women back in line. It works, however, it doesn't work for those who tout the slogan. It works for the men who would never give a moments thought to speaking aloud such a silly slogan - "Of course I don't need her, but if I've got her, it only makes sense for her to help me in my mission. Turns out she's good at it and stays attracted to me while helping me and in turn I get all of the pleasant advantages of marriage.

    Why stop the guys who tout the slogan? Just cash in on it.

  4. Before I begin, I want to repeat that it takes a LOT of money for it to trigger attraction. I mean a lot. I've actually considered abolishing the whole Money "vector" and folding it entirely into Status.

    **This might be the most important part of maintaining high attraction - assertiveness. I never got the impression I was being asked something I could (or wanted to) say "no" to, it wasn't a question, it was a statement, "I need you to..." There was nothing to debate, nothing to rebel against, it was a matter of fact. What happened in my brain was he needs me.

    This is key, I think. RLB is commanding you. He is exercising Masculine Power. And when you carry out his command, when you help him, you are investing in him. it is natural for us to care about our investments, so when you invest in a man, you care about him more.

    This explains the whole concept of Laurence Nightengale "nurse" attraction- a woman invests so much in a man she can't help but care about him. When the man maintains his "frame", his inner strength, during this process it only heightens the effect. I think this is why you haven't lost your attraction to RLB despite his health problems, SD.

    I find it interesting that the Greek word used to indicate submission in the NT is the same word applied in a military context for a solider following orders. What you describe here SD is you acting as your husband's subordinate, his "First Officer", carrying out his orders as needed. I don't think this is a coincidence. Women are commanded to follow this in marriage because it is what they are designed to do, to be a man's helpmate, his First Officer. The fact that you find contentment in it only goes to show that you are doing what you were meant to do.

    1. I like a lot of what you said, however I think you are projecting on women. I think your investing idea is a way for men to understand the way women act. It isn't a man's way of thinking though. SD's desire and obedience to my commands are very different from a man's perspective on investment. It is much closer to the command/military structure. She doesn't question it, nor does she want to question it. The reason she doesn't question it has to do with God's commands and the fruit of submission.

    2. rlb,

      I was thinking about donal's insight on "investing" by "obeying". I admit I have no idea how this applies to you and SD in particular, so I have no direct comment on that aspect.

      However, I find it to be a useful word picture. Jesus said, "where your treasure is there your hart will be also". Once you are married, decisions can be broken down into either doing what you want or doing what the other person wants. (the decision of doing what is "best" isn't really germane here) For a married person acts of obedience/deference/service are a form of "treasure" if you will. Choosing to "invest" that obedience into a husband's requests binds a wife's hart to him.

      At some point obedience, love, respect, attraction and desire become intertwined and indistinguishable. The women who has worked all day to take care of her home for the benefit of her husband and consequently can think of nothing better than his coming home so she can receive pleasure by being intimately his, by pleasuring him, is receiving dividends on her investment. Of course by pleasuring him she is also investing in her marriage. If done correctly, a marriage is a life long process of investing treasure and receiving treasure in return, which is then reinvested again.

      I agree that the captain and first mate analogy is the most direct and the easiest to understand. Everyone knows their role and what is expected of them. It works. The "investment" analogy also works as a method of understanding motivation and reward.

  5. Reposting my original comment:

    Hi Sarah's Daughter, good post :)

    Your husband's commanding style sounds very similar to my husband... he tells me that he needs me to do things for him rather than asking if I can, and I guess that makes me feel like I am important to him. (read: Worthy)
    I agree with Sign's thought about women wanting to feel like they are helpful... one of feminism's carrots was to draw females away from the home seeking their 'true value' everywhere else.
    Wanting to be necessary is one of the core reasons I think women desire to please men in general.

    I enjoy reading many of your thoughts around the place Sarah's Daughter. You're a sharp lady and it would appear that your husband has a great asset with you by his side.

    May the Lord continue to bless you and your household.


  6. Thank you Hannah, I appreciate that.

    We were just watching a show with our children tonight that illustrated perfectly the lie that feminism has women believe - that it is value and worth that they'll achieve when they place their focus on things outside of their husbands and family. It's seems an endless search. And sadly it usually means their help is given to those who are not vested in them, do not love them, do not cherish them and do not really need them.

  7. The example you cited is a sad one. It isnt that he didnt need her or wasnt a good husband. She just didn't like how he needed her and would not submit her fantasy to the reality.

    Like I said, ridiculous excuse to divorce unless she is cheating.

  8. Carlotta,
    Without Bodycrimes clarifying, I'm left to believe this wasn't a divorce situation. She states the woman "broke up her relationship" - she doesn't say she divorced him.

    I don't understand what you're reading into it.

    I extend this to marriage as a lesson in what, in my experience, has maintained attraction in our marriage. I do not excuse divorce for any reason. I do, however, fully support men and women selecting their spouses (and subsequently rejecting prospective spouses) based on what will keep their attraction high.


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