Evil festering

In her most recent post, Sunshine highlights a story that reminded me a good bit of the early years in our marriage. Go there and read it. What came to my mind was exactly what commentator Looking Glass mentioned:

Faith will always compel us to drive evil from our midst, but the temptation is always to allow it to fester.

 I remember being that wife in the story and I can imagine my husband felt similarly to the husband telling the story. That was before he had enough.

Thank God he had enough.

Fester - what an ugly word but a very apt description of what is going on in a woman's mind when she behaves this way. She is all consumed and trapped in the festering of everything that is not love as taught in 1 Corinthians 13. 

There are many sins that are obvious and well recognizable. As a woman, allowing evil to fester is not always one of them. Once this path is chosen it can become an insatiable downward spiral. She feels she has been wronged, she then dwells on that feeling. As she dwells more wrongs are recalled then more and more. New wrongs are noticed and focused on. She sets aside her faith, she hides from hope.

She is justified in her mind. The self pity, suffering, and depression cloud her judgment and render her helpless to stop. Any change in her demeanor or the manner she's chosen to punish her husband is tacit acceptance of whatever he has done that she feels wronged by. To change her countenance from misery to joy would let him off the hook. When she wakes in the morning, if her mind became refreshed and she's forgotten for an instance that she is to be upset, she'll quickly force it all back in. "Oh that's right, I am to be angry, smoldering...festering."

I feel sick in my stomach recalling when I used to do this. While I'd love to tell you that I no longer do this because of my own inner desire to pursue wisdom, I can not. RLB made this stop. Commentator Looking Glass mentions a bucket of cold water. While RLB didn't use actual water, his method was as effective. And while it may seem cruel and hurtful, what he did was in fact very kind. It was able to snap me out of it and get me tuned back in to faith, hope, and love and it silenced the evil, insatiable festering that wanted to consume me from the inside out.

"You done now?" 
"Are you over yourself yet?"

We didn't have any long drawn out conversations. Those simple remarks for me indicated the shit test had failed and no manner of sour behavior was going to bring me into his good favor. I knew he would shame me into getting right if I didn't make the choice myself.

I no longer can fester for very long. Joy is too much fun. A calm, relaxing atmosphere filled with forgiveness and unselfishness is really gratifying. But I sure do remember it well - yuck.

Nevermind the murmurings

¹³ Has then what is good become death to me? Certainly not! But sin, that it might appear sin, was producing death in me through what is good, so that sin through the commandment might become exceedingly sinful. ¹⁴ For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. ¹⁵ For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. ¹⁶ If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. ¹⁷ But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. ¹⁸ For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. ¹⁹ For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. ²⁰ Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
²¹ I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. ²² For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. ²³ But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. ²⁴ O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ²⁵ I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin. - Romans 7:13-25

What's this? Has Paul admitted that he's a sinner? That he has done evil? Surely he's not qualified to teach now. He's openly confessed to being hopeless. What a terrible teacher! Why, we need to learn from someone who is perfect! Not someone who claims to have something to teach us yet can't keep himself from screwing up! 

Yet this arrogant man, obviously out of sheer vanity, went on and wrote eight more epistles after this confession! You've got to be kidding me!  

The murmuring is getting louder - who should write? Who should speak? Who is a Titus 2 woman? Who is qualified? 

As the murmuring continues, the lack of faith is revealed. 

Consider a woman desperate in her marriage. She needs help and goes seeking it. Does the god you serve lead you? Does he guide your steps? Mine sure does. In fact I'll feel nudged toward something for a time and then I'll feel a pull to leave that thing, for a time. With exception to the Bible, not once has He led me to a perfect person to learn from. Every.Single.Time I have discovered something a little off in the teachings if I stick around long enough. Does that mean I should discard all I have learned? Should I do the literal opposite of what has been taught because it All must be tainted? Only a fool would believe it. 

Never follow the man, man will deceive you and lead you astray. Follow the principles of the man.

After all, we're human. All we have are principles because none, not one, is perfect except Jesus Christ.

When I sought help, I went to a woman who I had only met in person a few times. All that I had learned from her was through recordings. She is the woman who told me about the book Love and Respect. It was exactly what I needed to read at the time. I was so excited about what had been revealed to me in that book that I called her up personally to thank her. My eyes had been opened, I Got It!  To put it in a couple statements: I am to respect my husband out of obedience to God. Having no qualifications to meet for the position, God appointed him my head when we married and entered this Covenant. All showings of disrespect toward my husband, no matter the perceived justification, are disobedience to God. Even if my husband acts outside of the Word, I am to do what is right and am called Sarah's Daughter if I do and remain unafraid.

In my phone call to this woman, who I was thanking for the recommendation, I told her my revelation. And in one swift moment the reality of not following the man came crashing down on me. I confessed to her that even my greatest fear, my husband being unfaithful, would not be condoned by God for me to disrespect him. She adamantly disagreed, said she would never respect her husband again if he was unfaithful to her.

Want to know what God revealed to me in that very moment? She was wrong. My conviction was so strong and the revelation was so clear, there wasn't a thing she could say that could convince me otherwise. Yet she was the Titus 2 woman who taught me, by a book recommendation, how to love my husband.

Yet I hear these murmurings of fear and trepidation, "if you're wrong, you could lead a woman astray." How about this, let's let them keep God in that tiny little box and we keep believing on Him that revelation will come even through unlikely sources. 

We read it in Matthew, Mark, and Luke - let your light shine, don't hide it under a bowl.

If you've got a testimony - tell it. If you've got something to write, write it. If you've got struggles you're working out to His Good - let's hear them!

I admonished my daughters of this just last week. They are infants in apologetics. Doesn't matter. "When that sorry, misled girl who you have no choice but to spend time with, starts spewing her nonsense about being an atheist, let your light shine! Do not let fear overtake you, trust that He will give you the words to speak. Pray and then open your mouths and speak!"

You have no idea who needs to hear your story, your testimony, your struggles. You have no idea who God might lead that day to your writing or to your door who might need Exactly what you have to say at that Exact moment. Do not be silenced by the murmuring.

Does he qualify to be the head?

In response to this snippet of a comment made at Dalrock's:

In order to be truly head of his family, a husband must himself be subjugate himself to Jesus Christ.

Commentator JDG asks the obvious question:

 But who decides when a husband is subjugated to Jesus Christ?

Let's pretend for a moment that the first comment doesn't directly contradict what is clearly stated in 1 Peter 3 and consider a way in which a wife might determine if her husband is subjugated to Jesus Christ.

What are some things we might look for in a man that would give us a clear indication?

Would he talk about Jesus?

Multimillionaire preachers Kenneth Copeland and Jesse Duplantis sure do. However, in addition to talking about Jesus they do say a number of peculiar things:

 "The world is in such a shape that we can't get there without this. We've got to have this [private jet]," Copeland said. "That's why we're on that [private] airplane. We can talk to God."

 "Now Oral [Roberts] used to fly airlines," Copeland said. "But even back then it got to the place where it was agitating his spirit, people coming up to him; he had become famous, and they wanted him to pray for them and all that. You can't manage that today, this dope-filled world, and get in a long tube with a bunch of demons. It's deadly."

In fact there are scores of prosperity preachers who talk about Jesus but in my very limited discernment, strike me as untrustworthy and give me the heebee-geebees. Since we're talking about me determining whether my husband qualifies as head of my family, just my opinion applies right? In that case should my husband follow these preachers' leads, talking as they do, I would be left to determine that, no, they do not qualify. Perhaps it's just a cultural difference of opinions, some women might (and do) believe these types of men are in subjugation to Jesus Christ.

There is another man I know of whom you have never heard. I don't recall him ever talking out loud about Jesus. I've never witnessed him read a Bible. I have gone to church with him but not for many years. He's a giant of a man in my eyes though. He is quiet, usually soft spoken, and humble. He's the hardest working man I have ever known who has been instructed to stop working due to his health conditions. Not working has been very difficult for him. He knows nothing if not to be the worker, the provider, the one who tends the cattle. Throughout his marriage of 53 years he has led his wife and his family through times of struggle and hardship while still celebrating joyfully and treasuring the little moments in life that matter most to him. He's given his daughters in marriage and has lovingly held all of our babies. He's highly respected in the community and has filled in as a father and mentor to countless young men in his life. He'll never own a private jet yet in the depth of my soul I know he talks to God and believes Jesus Christ is his Savior.

For me, whether or not a man talks about Jesus would not be enough of a determining factor of if he qualifies to be the head of a family.

Perhaps we can determine if a man is subjugated to Jesus Christ if we know whether or not he's a sinner?

No, no, that won't work. He'd have no need for Jesus if he wasn't a sinner...

Maybe if a good priest or a pastor declares that he is?  That might work but where should a wife go to find a good priest or pastor? One of my local churches has a woman leading the congregation. Certainly she would be the best choice in analyzing my husband for me, right? I mean she must really be gifted and in touch with God to be above the Word and teaching men!

I'm drawing a blank. I mean sometimes you can just tell, can't you? That's it, if a wife can just tell that her husband is in subjugation to Jesus Christ then he is the head of the family and she should be in submission to him.

Okay, I'm done pretending.

 Commentator Just a Regular Guy has an excellent response: 

God established the husband as head of the wife in the same fashion that he established Christ as head of his Church. He places worldly authority in Governments, Elders, Husbands, Masters and Parents not because mankind is worthy but because God is a God of order and his ways are better than man’s. The fact that he chooses to do this in spite of man’s depravity brings him Righteous Glory. There are no temporal conditional qualifiers to God’s commands because his very nature is perfect, just, timeless and true and to imply otherwise by claiming what God ordained to be valid only when mortal expectations have been met is contrary to his nature and blasphemy.

The men my daughters marry will be their head. They will be in rebellion to God if they are in rebellion to their husbands. That's just how it is. It would do them well to look to the man who leads them currently who is the head of our family in determining who they choose to submit to for the rest of their lives. Regardless how they choose him though, he will be the head without condition or qualification - 'cuz God said so.

Women suck at being failures

Commentator Cynthia left this comment at Dalrock's which I wanted to highlight and share:

The sad truth of the matter is, some women do some pretty horrible things without realizing how horrible they are. We react without considering the ethics of what we’re doing, and once negative consequences become apparent, we explain it away. There’s not always intent to harm, even when injury is the outcome. Feminism has largely taken the burden of responsibility away from females; there is no longer any external societal pressure to honestly evaluate one’s motives or behaviors. We’re encouraged to run on pure instinct and fancy it morality. It’s feral, and objectively amoral, but with female solipsism being what it is, she may not understand that what she’s doing is wrong.

From what I’ve seen, the ability to mentally twist even the worst personal vice into virtue is an innate female quality that men neither share nor understand. To you guys, it all looks pre-meditated and therefore, cynical, but the truth is so much worse. Men generally stop when they know they’re doing wrong; women refuse to even see it in the first place. Not that women lack reason. Men typically evaluate the morality of what they’re about to do or have done based on reason and fact, but women tend rationalize based on emotion, self- evaluate only after the fact and will justify not doing so if they suspect the answer won’t be to their liking. Cynical women are aware of the hamster; most don’t see it until reality forces them to.

Last night I watched some American Idol auditions. A husband and wife team came to audition together and compete with each other. Something I would highly advise a wife to NEVER do. She seemed so sure of herself and that her singing ability was superior to his. You'll wonder too, while you watch it, how she could have believed that. Has she never heard him sing? 

She's a bit disrespectful and sassy to begin with and he comes across as a doting Beta husband who is about to learn, while being recorded, what his dear, sweet wife is capable of: the inability to stop, think, take a thought captive, take responsibility, and especially the inability a woman has, while in an emotional state, to hold back the vile thoughts that cross her mind as she rationalizes and justifies her failure. 

First it was the judges fault: "I did my best and it was sad that they couldn't just focus on my singing"

No, sweetie, they heard you sing, we all did. You have as sweet soft voice that should be singing lullabies to that baby. Your husband, on the other hand, should be singing on my radio filling the Meatloaf void (Celine who?).

Next it was, of course, her husband's fault - he was distracting her:  "Jordan was dancing with her on the ground." (Notice the pure shock on his face after she said that.)

Then came the emotional manipulation masked in brutal confession which was an obvious lie, ie a shit test: "I've never been good enough."

As a mother of teenage daughters, it has become my primary mission to train them to not react in this way. I keep a very attentive ear. If I hear a whisper of these sour thoughts and behaviors (and false humility or false self-deprecation), we discuss it. They are reminded, in even the most seemingly inconsequential situations to reject their solipsism and embrace empathy. They are instructed to stop. They are instructed to keep their mouths shut and think.

I am, by no means, immune to it. I walk myself through these steps. At times I fail. Analyzing and evaluating our motives and behaviors (before speaking) isn't fun - we are forced to recognize how foul our first thoughts can be. "What is wrong with me?" 

Our husbands can be very valuable assets in helping us with this. Most men, by nature, do not have this challenge and are usually very gracious about instructing us how they process things. We can be honest with them (they already know and remain married to us despite these shortcomings). When you've identified a circumstance where your initial reaction is to blame others, justify your behavior, and avoid responsibility or reality, ask them what their thoughts would be. Ask them how they avoid, in their minds, this desperate need to protect themselves by rationalizing. Observe them and pay close attention to their empathetic responses to people.

One of my favorite places to observe men is at sporting competitions. Our last 16 team wrestling tournament was perfect for this. We were in a very close battle for first place. All of our fans knew which matches needed to be won and which teams needed to lose in order for the points to fall in our favor. Our fans were loud, their fans were loud, it was intense and came down to the final two simultaneous matches. The final standings were being announced and as soon as we heard who took second, our fans erupted knowing we took first. As the celebration started settling down, the coach of the second place team walked up to our coaches and in the most gracious manner congratulated them, told them how awesome our young men wrestled and what an exciting tournament it was. His facial expressions were genuine without a hint of sour grapes.

Let's be like that, ladies. Let's reject the lie that our instinctual reactions are moral, let's develop awareness of our behaviors. Let's take every thought captive. Let's not wait until we're on national television and some blogger writes about our embarrassing display of the very worst of our natures. 

2016 - trim and fit at 41

For 39 weeks I have been eating a low carbohydrate/high fat diet. I set out to lose 40 pounds at the age of 40. I am fast approaching my 41st birthday and am ready to admit failure. I've only lost 30 pounds.

My BMI when I changed my diet was 29 and today it is 24.5.
My waist to height ratio was 52.21 and today it is 44.85.

When I first began I averaged a one pound per week weight loss. That has slowed tremendously. I've been stuck at the same weight for eight weeks now. Though I do continue to lose about a quarter of an inch of fat every couple weeks. My activity level has been very low. I have not exercised much at all this last year. I'm excited that I still have the results that I do and believe I'll be able to continue losing fat at this rate without upping my activity level but I'm just not that patient. I'm eager to get back to lifting weights and doing some high-intensity interval training.

I can't express enough how easy this has been. I am so thankful I made the decision to believe it would work and implement the changes to my diet. The only will power that was necessary was in the first week of curing my sugar/carbohydrate addiction. I probably didn't do it "the right" way but the way I did it worked - I have not craved anything for over nine months. I am not tempted by food. In fact, the only signals I have to eat are the clock - I eat breakfast, lunch, and supper and occasionally, if I am active, I'll notice a dip in energy that lets me know I need to eat some fat. I don't ever feel a hungry feeling.

In addition to the weight loss, the positive benefits of eating this way for me have been:

-No more inflammation pain in any of my joints or tendons
-Fast recovery from injury
-Strengthened immune system
-Pleasant disposition - no ups and downs in mood, no depression or feelings of deprivation
-Excellent sleep
-If I drink a few too many - no hangover
-Improved eyesight
-Excellent digestion - I'm never bloated nor do I have any digestive discomfort
-Improved brain function - clearer thinking and improved retention of new information
-Consistent energy
-No PMS symptoms (except for one month when I was experimenting with intermittent fasting)

So now it's on to this year's goal of achieving a BMI of 21, a waist to height ratio of 42, a 20 pound weight loss, a commitment to doing some form of HIIT 3 days a week and to achieve my previous personal records in lifts.

Happy New Year! 

I even love the squirrel

Almost two years ago my husband was medically retired from the Army. We moved back to our home state to an area where he would be close to the VA Hospital for medical treatment. Originally we rented a home while we waited for our home at his last duty station to sell. Once it sold we found my dream home. My Forever home!

The house and property needed a lot of work but the vision we had for it was very exciting. Because of the condition it was in, we were able to purchase it far below assessed value. Day after day we worked biting off one small piece of this huge elephant of a project to turn this home into everything I've always wanted.

It was a large home set on a beautiful wooded ridge. We dug our garden, he built our chicken coop, we landscaped the yard, leveled and seeded the back yard, exposed beautiful rock outcroppings that lined our back yard, cleaned up downed trees from the woods, planted an apple orchard, planted walnut trees, put in a strawberry patch, cultivated wild black raspberry patches for optimal harvest, removed invasive weed species, sanded and refinished the decks, finished remodeling projects, painted almost every wall of the house. In other words, we worked our tails off. It was good work, exhausting work, but very fulfilling work. Our children were a part of it the whole time, each tasked with various projects daily throughout the summer.

One day, about four months after purchasing the house, while I was hauling wheelbarrow loads of dirt, RLB said to me: "If we keep going like this making improvements to the property, we might be able to sell this place for quite a profit."

What?

I'm not proud to admit it but I had a bit of a hissy fit right then.

"I'm doing all of this work for ME, not for some other woman to come in here and enjoy."

Yep. In that moment, that is where my heart was.

I was reminded rather quickly and sternly that the work I do I should be doing unto the Lord and to not set my heart on material things. 

Ouch.

But it's my home. My beautiful home! It's been so long that we've been moving around, why can't I have this material thing, my forever home?

Fast forward a year and a two months from then and here we are less than a month away from a closing date. I couldn't be more excited! It has sold within market range but for 17% more than we purchased it for. It has sold to a retired Veteran who I am confident will love it just as much as we do. He's also quite fond of many of the items we have in the home and has offered to purchase them. 

As I've written about, RLB's back pain and sciatic pain are gone now. He's off all of the pain medications he was on, he's lost over 40 pounds and is healthier than he's ever been. He has no need to live close to the VA Hospital anymore.

The job he had at that location was never intended to be his long term job. It was a transitional job and was not something he wanted to do very much longer. A recruiter had been calling him since he retired offering him positions in other major cities of our state and surrounding states, but never seemed to have one locally. Last summer they called again with a position that would be very hard to turn down due to the financial compensation. At that point we started considering moving again even though this big city where the job was is almost the last city we'd want to live.

This potential job, though, was not what he really wanted to do. Once again he was going to be taking a position that made sense but wasn't his heart's desire. For as long as I've known him, he's wanted to teach and coach.

A whirlwind started at this point. We talked about moving North, closer to where we grew up. The cost of living was much lower up there. He wouldn't need to make as much money for us to have the same lifestyle. What if he could teach there? What if he could coach there?

While he had a physics degree, he didn't have a teaching certificate/license. Little did we know that wouldn't matter. Days later we pinpointed where we'd want to live, looked up the school's job openings, found a position open for a physics teacher, he called, told them about himself, they started the background check process, he went up for an interview, and accepted their offer the next day (pending background check). And, he needed to be there to start working in a month with an emergency teaching license.

The house went up on the market and we worked even harder to finish up as many projects as we could. The search was on to find somewhere temporary to live up in our new city while we waited for the house to sell. This place would have to be reasonably priced, willing to do a month to month or short term lease and accept pets. That's not asking too much is it? At the time we had 10 chickens, six cats and two dogs... RLB's mom came to our house and taught me how to butcher four of our roosters and then graciously adopted the six remaining chickens, the momma cat, and two of the kittens. A friend adopted the other two kittens. Thanks to another friend who put us in contact with former classmate, we were able to find a sweet old man who had a little old house to rent to us that met all of our basic needs. 

I sit here now in this 900 square foot, two bedroom, takes 10 minutes to clean, squirrel living under the roof making a ruckus on the ceiling, temporary home. It's cold. Winter has arrived and the lack of insulation and efficient windows make for a very drafty little place. I don't care. I love this place. I love this town. I even love the squirrel.

And, I am absolutely ecstatic how happy my husband is. He is doing something he really loves. I've never seen him like this before. Though for now I don't get to see him much. Wrestling season has started, and what do you know, they needed another coach.

May God keep me convicted to never again set my heart on material things and to always do my work as for the Lord.

Pitying men

We've had this discussion with our daughters before, "there's no need to have a boy as a friend." We've also discussed that they should not get drawn into becoming a boy's (or girl's for that matter) emotional tampon. What is best for the boy is to find someone who is in a position to care about him that can actually help him. They are well aware that boys will intentionally choose to become Beta Orbiters in the hopes that eventually she will find value in them and upgrade their status. Participating in this is not kind, it is not honest, and is not becoming behavior.  

Here is the (edited for privacy) exchange our youngest just had with a boy: 

"I know you have no idea who I am but I have a huge crush on you and I cant help but think I would do anything to be with you"

Oh yeah, sorry, I don't really know you

 

"Yeah I want to know you better and try to be a guy who treats you like there is no one else in the world, xxx-xxxx if you want to get to know me text me." 

Um, sorry, I'm not really interested

 

(Picture of a minion falling on his face) "Oh ok" "BTW the minion represents my life I try to get up but get knocked down right away" 

She showed us the exchange and asked us if we knew why this boy would say what he did. (Our daughters have been taught that exchanges like this are talked about in house. They are not to gossip or humiliate boys like this by telling their friends about it).

Even in the grown up world I have seen men willingly accept and sometimes seek pity from women. I know there are scores of men out there who are in the fight to wake these men up from this desire and other misguided ideas so that they can achieve personal success. The only advice I have for men is to seek out MEN to talk to. You'll learn in due time that pity from a woman is NOT what you should accept or seek. 

For women (and teenage girls) when you are in a situation where your natural reaction would be to pity a man (boy), recognize this is not your lane and what you're about to do/say is harmful. I'm speaking specifically about people you don't know well, aren't related to etc. (Please spare me all the incidences where a woman should have compassion for a man specifically or men in general. That is not what I'm talking about.) Usually women are not equipped with the wisdom that pity seeker needs. Sure, she can tantalize his ears and tell him all that he desperately wants to hear and figuratively nestle him to her chest but this does not help him.

We recently had an old friend post on Facebook an emotional tale of his wife blowing up their marriage. I wish he would have been enraged and expressed that instead of talking about hurting and crying. What followed were hundreds of comments full of pity from women. That pity is now what defines this man, the sorry soul, the man who is hurting, the poor dear. Almost every comment he's had on his posts since then have been shadowed with this pity.

I'll try to explain the dynamics of it. To believe that a woman is capable of respecting a man whom she pities is as misguided as believing a man would rather be loved than respected. Even in our platonic everyday interactions with men, we want to deal with men we respect and have a visceral reaction to men we don't respect, find pitiful or effeminate. Men, similarly, desire to deal with and be respected by pleasant, kind, attractive women. They have a visceral reaction to ugly, harsh, loud, and bitchy women.

The woman who doles out pity to a man is being inherently disrespectful and usually condescending. When her words outweigh the words of strong men's advice to the pitied man, she is not only being disrespectful, she's interfering and is completely out of line.

We need to guard against thinking our commiseration is of any value to a man. It is not. And it certainly is useless when there are other men available to give good advice. Our motives need to be carefully checked when we feel the desire to express pity to a man. Often our own solipsism is revealed - we feel his pain as if it was our own. How nice...not helpful. Some motivations are more manipulative - hurting men make great Beta Orbiters - throw them some morsels every now and then and keep them close, begging for more.

Our daughter had the same reaction I would have: "Why did he do that to me?" in other words, why did he put me in that position? It is very disappointing and awkward. It is in those situations where women will pour out the pity just to ease the discomfort of the situation. Which again, is disrespectful and not honest. While it would be nice to not encounter men who seek pity from women, we should have a plan in mind for what to do when it does happen. What can be said that would be helpful but not disrespectful?

When I am with RLB, it is simple, I keep my mouth shut and look at him. Online it is even easier - don't say a word. And don't get me wrong, I am not talking about hospitality here either. If you have a visitor in your home who is being challenged by something in his life, gracious hospitality is always in order.

As you can see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know that giving a man pity is not the right answer.

Romantic Love - like sugar - is sweet poison

The conversations in our household about romantic love have intensified and for good reason, our daughters are at that age. Combined with being at that age is increased attention from guys and the visibility of other girls at that age in short term exclusive relationships.

Romantic love - is it real? Well, there certainly are real feelings that go along with it, but is it reliable? Is it something a young woman should want (before a commitment to marriage)? Is it something she can guard against? Protect herself from? Are there decisions she can make to avoid it?

As our daughters are navigating this new stage they are in, they've been able to witness some examples that, thankfully, they have learned a lot from. One young woman was in an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for over a year. The young couple made the decision that many do and had sex. She told our daughters about it and, as expected, appeared to have a great sadness within her. That sadness turned to embarrassment and deep regret when the guy broke up with her just a short time later. Our son knew the guy and when we were all talking about the situation, let us know the conversation that went on with the guys at the same time this girl was crying about the breakup. One of the guys asked what happened that they broke up. Our son, before the guy could answer asked, "Hit it and quit it?" and the guy said: "Yep!"

Another friend of theirs was in a parent condoned, exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for over two years (she's now 14). The unthinkable happened, he sent her a text message that read: "I don't like you anymore." Our oldest daughter learned of this and said, "If I were her, I would feel like I had wasted two years of my life."

So, if romantic love and exclusive relationships that aren't being geared toward marriage fail, is it a waste of time?

We've talked with the girls about the conditioning that takes place with these consecutive exclusive relationships. When something goes wrong...someone quits. There is nothing to prevent that person from quitting, there was no contract or covenant, it is socially acceptable, and often times is praised, supported and encouraged. Sadly that conditioning does not turn off when a couple gets married.

Talking to them from the girl's perspective, we listed some of the real feelings and thoughts a young woman has at the beginning of such exclusive relationships; she feels validated, complimented, special, "he chose me!" pedestalized, elated, giddy etc.  All seemingly great feelings right? However, she'll feel this in the beginning of the next exclusive relationship too. And the next, and the next. So are these feelings reliable? No. They are feelings but they don't indicate a single thing about the guy she's feeling them from/about. If these feelings can be felt in the beginning of any exclusive relationship these feelings must be all about her and NOTHING about any guy in particular.

So is romantic love something a young woman should want? In other words, is it good for her? Well it wouldn't be right for me to not tie in my other focus right now - sugar. Is sugar good for you? No. Does the taste give you pleasure? Yes. Is there something artificial that goes on in your brain when you consume it? Yes. Does that artificial reaction desensitize your brain from natural, healthy reactions? Yes. Is it addictive? YES! And, of course, in the long run, feeding the addiction is very bad for your health.

So, how do you guard against romantic love? How do you avoid it when you are not on a course to get married?

There are a few individuals out there who can just not eat sugar. Others, like me, must replace it with something else until our brains are done screaming for it. Sugar can be replaced with fat which then helps the brain to receive proper messaging from Leptin which silences the cravings and allows the brain to experience natural and consistent dopamine.

Is there something a hormonal young woman can do to quell the craving for romantic love?

As parents, we are genuinely more interested in our teenage children making wise choices on their own rather than following set rules with consequences for disobedience. I don't believe the proper lesson will be learned or wisdom gained if I ground my daughter for falling into romantic love. We do tell them they are welcome to use us as a fallback if they are in an uncomfortable situation and can't think of the right words, for example, "My parent's don't allow me to date." But that will only work for so long.

We were very happy with our daughter in one of her exchanges with a guy who has been persistent with her. She wouldn't give him her contact information for a social media account telling him she doesn't communicate with guys that way. When he asked why she said, "I don't want to lead anyone on or have any guys in the friend zone, I think that's cruel." To which he responded that he just wants to be friends. For the record, this is not a guy a young woman like my daughter could manage to just be friends with (AMOG in most situations). He's still in pursuit, of course. For now I just keep praying for her and talking her through these things.

The answers are found in the Word. Trust in, faith in, and reliance on that Word is what it takes. Trying to talk our daughters out of the desire to get giddy over a guy on its own might ward them off for a little while, but those cravings are powerful. They are going to have to pray on their own, seek wisdom in the Word, and trust in God above their own hearts.

 Proverbs 4:23 - Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.

Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool,
But whoever walks wisely will be delivered. 

 Proverbs 23:17 - Do not let your heart envy sinners,
But be zealous for the fear of the Lord all the day;

 1 Kings 8:61 - Let your heart therefore be loyal to the Lord our God, to walk in His statutes and keep His commandments, as at this day.”

Loving Fat - an update

In May I told you about my goal to lose forty pounds at the age of forty. I'm closing in on that goal with only 11 pounds to go and three months to do it.

Want to know a secret? I'm not doing anything but living my life with my new way of eating incorporated in it - never hungry, never feeling deprived, fully satisfied, and feeling incredibly healthy. I haven't exercised or exerted myself more than what my normal day requires. Week after week I lose a pound here and a pound there, a half inch of fat here and a half inch of fat there. My lean muscle mass has remained unchanged and my energy level is higher than it has ever been. I'm enjoying life without inflammation pain in my joints - like I had in my 30's. I'll be honest, I don't miss grueling work outs and the physical pain of exercises my body was never built for (running, for example).

By eating silly amounts of fat, I am steadily and without effort losing fat in a slow and very manageable way.

RLB remains pain free though he has a herniated disc in his back. It's been four and a half months since he was on Morphine and Percocet to manage his sciatic pain. The recurring facet nerve pain he had has not returned either. He had been getting injections for that pain every four months. His last injection was in the beginning of April. August came and went and the pain didn't return.

Always the scientist, he must test his pain threshold every now and then by eating a(n) (un)healthy dose of carbohydrates and feeling like crap for the next day. He claims it's because he needs to know if there is healing going on. I think it's because he needs to know how that burger tastes with the bun, or to revisit that dopamine high from that little piece of a gooey chocolate bar. The pain flushes through his leg shortly after his indulgence. Then my logical scientist makes yet another hypothesis that he must refrain from sugar in order to remain pain free.

We've had to purchase a new wardrobe for him. He's lost more weight than I have (of course) and is back to the slender anvil shape he had when I first met him.

I continue to study and research as much as I can about the Ketogenic diet and willingly share all that I learn with anyone who requests to know.

I often get asked if I'll ever be able to eat carbohydrates again. I do eat plenty of them, but they are all in the form of vegetables and nuts. No, I don't think I'll ever want to eat sugar again. I've learned far too much at this point. And, when I've eaten something that has added sugar I've found it's too sweet for me to enjoy. I've tasted bread here and there and it tastes like Play-doh to me.

Some of you will understand this (those who have been food addicts or gluttons), the most valuable thing I've gained from eating this way is the freedom to no longer fight with myself over food. I don't have food cravings anymore. I've successfully retrained my fat cells to communicate effectively with my brain. Nothing in my head is telling me to indulge. As a result of that, or just another huge benefit of this way of eating, I have no guilt from eating, no shame, no feeling of defeat. Some of you are probably wondering "what was wrong with you?" - really, that's what people who struggle with their weight go through. I remember it all too well. It's agonizing.

I once surrendered to believing that my struggle was about sin and rebellion to God. I spent a lot of time in prayer over this. Guess what, God didn't convict me I was in sin, he convicted me I needed to learn more and then He led me - He led me to the articles, to the people who knew more than I did, and to the research and studies.

Shout out to Keoni of the Hawaiian Libertarian - thank you for providing so much information, the links, and conviction. Also to commentator Looking Glass who took the time to help heal our guts (including my daughter's) with his very knowledgeable supplement recommendations.

Here are some of the links I've learned even more from:
Cereal Killers Movie
Real Meal Revolution
Mercola
The Charlie Foundation
The Weston A. Price Foundation
Doc's Opinion 

One of the videos I suggest to anyone curious about this fat eating diet is The Oiling of America by Sally Fallon Morell of the Weston Price Foundation. It's long and very informative, I hope you'll take the time:

Don't blink

We've reached a new stage in life: the beginning of having adult children. Our son just began the beginning of the rest of his life, at the airport, on his way to Basic Training.

Hugs and tears and "I'm so proud of you" and "I love you"

So this is what it was all for.

Man, that went by fast!

A friend of mine, another Military Wife who is now a Military Mom as well, said: "The pride will make up for the empty in your house." And that's just it, the ache of missing him is coupled with such an overwhelming excitement and joy. Tears and smiles. 

Good stuff.

No idols, not even your husband

Should we submit to our husbands because they love us deeply? Should we submit to our husbands because they are good providers? Should we submit to our husbands because they are strong, righteous men?

No. 

We should submit to our husband because of who God says he IS - the head of the wife.  

God's laws work for those who believe as well as for non believers. Gravity does not care if a person is an atheist or not. 

Non believers can enjoy the blessings on this earth of living a life emulating Christian morality, like submitting to one's husband, but they can not do so in accordance to the Command. A non believer can not "submit to her own husband as unto the Lord." If you'll notice, the sentence doesn't even make sense. She is in rebellion to the Lord therefore her best effort of submission to her husband has no foundation. 

In the comment section on Dalrock's blog, we met Jane Dough. A non believer who renounced Jesus Christ as her Savior when she was a teenager. She met and married a man who had done the same. Both set out intentionally to marry non believing individuals. They carried with them the family structure that is spoken of in the Bible and agreed that this would be the best way to order their home. They made an agreement that he would be the head and she would be in submission to him. She gave many reasons for why she submits to him and respects him: 

I love my husband deeply. He is a good, strong man who gives of himself generously to me, his friends, and his family. But I’m also very attracted to him in a very carnal way. I wanted to be attracted to my husband and I was fortunate that the men in my life taught me the importance of it. And yes, it was the men who taught me to look for someone stronger, smarter, faster thinking, and traditionally masculine.

 You’re missing the point. It isn’t that good job, education, or income are attractive themselves. What’s attractive is the amount of time, dedication, intelligence, motivation, and charisma that was required to get where he is. His success is just the result of these traits. He was completely laid out after a bad car accident for almost a year in 2007. He didn’t work out, earn money, make deals, or do anything but physical therapy. The attraction wasn’t lost during that time because it’s who he is that I love and want, not the results of who he is. The drive, wits, charisma, etc was all still there.

 But, if I married someone not believing that he really was my superior in real, measurable, tangible ways, submission would be much harder much more often. Not impossible, of course. And it should never be an excuse for not submitting.

In this comment she notes why she is worthy of her husband and a few of the benefits she gets from marrying the man she did (life would be easier) and submitting to him (she would be happier):

My husband married a virgin who respects him, loves him, and cares for him.
But I didn’t choose a husband blindly. I went for what I wanted knowing full well that I wanted a man to be the head of the household and that given my own personality, strengths, and shortcomings it would be easier if I looked for someone with certain traits. So I did. The men in my family were all strong leaders in their homes, and I was raised knowing that both my husband and I would be happier if I submitted. Knowing that, I found the best man I could to submit to.
Or I guess I could have married someone less dominant and successful and had to work 3x times as hard to submit while hoping that he would one day take charge. But it doesn’t seem worth it.
I definitely recommend this to everyone, male or female. Find someone you love AND are very attracted to. That’s why I’m never offended when the guys here write off fat women. They should be writing them off.

 It goes both ways. My husband is a better leader because he truly sees me as vulnerable. He knows it isn’t play pretend, and he is motivated to be the best leader and provider he can because I can’t do it myself. There is no question that *he* is needed, respected, and that I’m grateful to him. I don’t think he would have this fire for his family’s wellbeing if he thought I could manage everything on my own. We aren’t peers. He’s above me, and I chose him because that’s what I knew I wanted and needed, and everyone is better for it.

From a Utilitarian perspective, she believes emulating biblical instruction for marriage to be the best way to order society:

You don’t have to be a Christian to believe that lifelong, monogamous marriage is the only way to create healthy, stable families and that those families are what make up a functioning society. The only way for both people to thrive in a marriage is for the man to be in charge and for the woman to submit. This is moral, time tested, and whether anyone likes admitting it or not, supported by social science.

I can not argue with her. This is the best way to order a society. I have no doubt that she is a happy woman, living the blessings of well ordered life. Secular individuals who are also committed to never returning to the Lord and choose to remain separated from Him for all eternity, would do well, for this period of time, to follow her example. It appears families who do order themselves this way break up less and raise stable productive children. 

So why is it that her relationship with her husband is sinful idolatry?

(for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God) - Exodus 34:14

If there is difficulty to be found in submission, it is often because of a lack of understanding of why.

Why should wives submit to their husbands as unto the Lord? Because God said to obey His commands. God said that not obeying His commands is rebellion to Him.

What should you do if you are highly attracted to your husband, think he is strong, righteous, a great leader, a wonderful father, and a humble servant? What if you really like him, love him, desire all the best for him, serve him, and adore him?

You should submit to to your husband and respect him because God said to obey His commands. 

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. - John 15:4

Be watchful of your own heart, even and especially when everything in your household is running smooth. Even and especially when you and your husband are getting along famously. Mind your heart while your cup overflows and all that is great and wonderful that one can experience from marriage is happening for you. 

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Matthew 6:19-21

Men and Loyalty

After the woman who shared her story of submission with me gave me permission to write about it, I wrote to her and said:

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. You have witnessed amazing evidence of God's mercy. Always keep this in mind should seeds of doubt attack you - and they likely will. Stay strong and take every thought captive. Yours is a testimony for His Glory! Remain in the reverence you have experienced for your husband. Remain in the faith that it has come from God as a blessing for your submission and obedience to His Word. Forgive your husband as well and do not harbor judgement. Don't be tempted to accuse when God has made this Very Good.

I wrote her again to check in and see how things were going and was very happy to receive this response: 

We are doing well. Better than well! We have talked a few times in depth since and my husband has sincerely apologized for all of it. He acts like I never even had the fantasy, like I was an innocent bystander being coerced and he was making me do it. He asked my forgiveness and took full responsibility. I am doing everything I can to be the best wife and so far, I have had zero struggle with harboring judgement or not forgiving him, probably because I was so much at fault too. On top of the blessing of unity that came from all this, my husband usually does not open up, but this ended up being a reason for him to open up and tell me how much he appreciates my loyalty and submission to him over the last 5 years. I have learned my lesson about how easy it is to conveniently forget about God and how quickly rebellion to my husband follows.. Anyway, thanks for checking in and I will stand in awe of this stage of my life when I look back on it because it finally helped me understand the WHY of submission- trusting God.

As I come to understand deeper the nature of men, I remain in awe of the honorable way in which they respond to loyalty. As women, we might understand what it is to be valued but I don't believe we receive our value by expressions of loyalty as men do. Our value is most often felt via expressions of approval. When we are approved of, we enjoy a pleasant euphoric feeling of belonging, importance, and validation.

When we sense a lack of approval from someone we love, we most often feel hurt and shame and express it in a self defense manner with justifications and rationalizations. It is difficult for us to learn to appreciate lack of approval, correction, and admonishment because it is strongly associated with how we experience a sense of value. It is a wise woman who searches deep for Truth who understands that those who would correct us or admonish us are those who actually value us the most. If our behaviors are not healthy, are not in line with achieving a deeper relationship with God, and those who we think love us and know the truth, don't say a word, we are actually experiencing contempt - not approval, not tolerance. A woman must learn to be very honest with herself to receive admonishment and understand it is a loving gesture and is an expression of value.

Approval and loyalty are not the same things. One can be loyal and not approve. And, as we all know ladies, we can receive approval and find out later that not a shred of loyalty existed from the person doling out approval. Men are often confused by our desire for approval because they seem to innately know this. Approval is fleeting and is not an expression of commitment or steadfast loyalty. Men would much rather know someone is loyal to them and are not concerned with their approval at any given time.

When you read through what the woman who wrote to me said about her husband, know that this is the response of men to loyalty:

"He asked my forgiveness and took full responsibility."

"...my husband usually does not open up, but this ended up being a reason for him to open up and tell me how much he appreciates my loyalty and submission to him over the last 5 years."

When we hear or read of women who put restrictions on the respect or the submission their husband's are due, what we are witnessing is the extent of her loyalty, her fear, her projection, and ultimately her opinion of what is "righteous rebellion." It is subjective and determined either by her or a third party and it is a stumbling block for her husband to be free to fully hear any correction the Holy Spirit has for him. When he knows her "loyalty" only extends to the limit of his good works in her eyes, he knows what she has for him is tentative approval, not loyalty. In turn he can not respond to her with appreciation.

When we flip the script we can see that women respond similarly. If your husband added a caveat to his approval of you, every time he mentioned it, how would it feel? How much would you enjoy hearing that as long as you don't get fat, your husband likes you. As long as you continue to make his meals, he approves of you. As long as you have sex with him, he'll be kind to you.

Yes, I understand these things get said to wives. And what do women do? "That jerk!" Then they gather up their best gossiping girlfriends to discuss how horrible her husband is for his expectations of her and how he won't love her for "who she is." Next thing you know she's being told he is emotionally abusive and it would be best if she separated from him.

Do husbands respond that way when they hear of the limitation of her loyalty? Not usually. Most often they will proceed silently with an inner ache knowing his wife is not fully committed to him. Ladies, we are masters at hurting our husbands without ever knowing we are doing it. They just don't express it the same way. When years of this ache pile up what will become of his feeling toward her is contempt.

God made your husbands in a very special way, different than you. He knows how they perceive value (loyalty) and He knows how they respond when they know they are valued. Trust God that He gave you very specific instruction for your marriage for a reason. Do not fear it. Do not project on to your husband a distrust of his integrity. And stop talking publicly about the line in which your husband must walk to receive your loyalty.

“Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The Lord do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me.”

Ruth 1:16-17

Ketogenic Diet and Sciatic Pain/Herniated Disc

I've continued to do more research on the Ketogenic diet I am on. It is working well for my own weight loss. I am down 15 pounds from when I started, have lost several inches, I have a lot of energy and don't miss or crave any of the foods I used to eat.  I am also free of the pain I once had due to inflammation in my big toes, right hip and right thumb.

While researching, I've come across this study: Ketogenic Diet Improves Forelimb Motor Function after Spinal Cord Injury in Rodents.

As many of you know, RLB was medically retired from the Army in December of 2013 due to his chronic and debilitating back pain. He was later diagnosed with Facet Syndrome and was able to live pain free after one Facet injection. The injections last for four months before the pain creeps back. Due to his medical care being provided through the VA, wait times for procedures are very long. He's had to fall back on drugs like Percocet to endure the pain while he waits for approval for the injections.

His last injection was in the beginning of April. Prior to his appointment, he started feeling new pain down his right leg. Immediately after the injection, he could no longer sit without excruciating pain. For two weeks he wore out his feet walking around. It was the only way he could have relief from the pain. He was exhausted and frustrated. He started taking Percocet again and eventually had to go back on Morphine to get sleep and rest.

His MRI revealed a herniated disc between L4 and L5. It wasn't until May 21 that he was able to speak with a neurologist to discuss his options. It was decided the first treatment they'd try was another spinal injection. The first available date with the VA was July 9.

As RLB tried to navigate the VA to get approval to utilize VA Choice (a new program to provide a temporary fix the backlog), he became increasingly frustrated with the pain and need for drugs. He had already read much of the research I had found on the Ketogenic diet and decided he had nothing to lose. If it worked for rats, it might work for him. He asked the neurologist if there was anything he could do to help with the pain with regards to his diet. "Sure, drink more water, stuff like that" was the response he got. RLB winked at me and made the decision right then that he'd take this into his own hands and start the Ketogenic diet.

His first day of a high fat/very low carbohydrate diet was Friday, May 22. On Saturday he told me he wasn't feeling any break through pain. On Sunday he started weening himself off of the Morphine. As of today he hasn't had Morphine for two weeks and has been weening himself off of the Percocet.

Today was the day his injection was scheduled (due to VA Choice approval) at our University Hospital. He met with an intern first who asked him his pain level. RLB told him about the diet he's been on and how he's been pain free since 24 hours after he started. He kept his appointment because he wasn't sure if he should still have the injection for further treatment of the herniated disc.

When he went to the surgical injection room, the Radiologist came in and asked him more questions. His recommendation was for RLB to keep doing what he is doing, the injection would be redundant since the steroid is an anti-inflammatory and designed to do exactly what his diet has done for him. RLB asked if he had any concerns about this type of diet to which he responded, "No, you're a fit man, there is no reason to not stay the proactive course you've been on."

Fascinating.

Could this be typical? And if so, why isn't it prescribed? - I ask this tongue-in-cheek.

What if...He intervenes

The following post is for mature audiences only. If you are one of my younger readers, please defer to your parent's wisdom before you continue.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5:22-24

How could Paul say the word "everything" in this verse? What if a husband tells a wife to do something sinful? 

Looking at the account of Abraham and his son Isaac, we see demonstrated a blind faith, if you will, in obeying a command that would seem to be unbearable. It is quite apropos then, when I speak of taking Paul's writing in Ephesians literally, I'm most often asked the question: "What if your husband tells you to abort your baby?" It's an extreme example and meant to be a test or a stumbling block to prove that something else needs to be added to Paul's writing. That it is obvious he left something out that wives should just know. That the undeniable and obvious meaning of the word "everything" is: "everything except _____." The blank then needs to be discerned by the wife.

Abraham’s faith is a fascinating example for wives who might find themselves in a situation where they must choose to obey or rebel. It is written that God was testing Abraham and in knowing his obedience said to him:  

“Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.”

As wives we may find ourselves in a situation where we must rely on faith to obey what might otherwise be seen as a request that is impossible to obey. It is a spiritual battle to be sure. It is scary and heart wrenching. Intense prayer is the only thing that helps stave off the fear. And if there were anyway I could bottle up the end result and let women experience a whiff of it I would. But it is something she must decide for herself by faith.

Here's Abraham's end result:

¹⁵ Then the Angel of the Lord called to Abraham a second time out of heaven, ¹⁶ and said: “By Myself I have sworn, says the Lord, because you have done this thing, and have not withheld your son, your only son— ¹⁷ blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply your descendants as the stars of the heaven and as the sand which is on the seashore; and your descendants shall possess the gate of their enemies. ¹⁸ In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, because you have obeyed My voice.” 

A husband doesn’t quite have all of that to give when his wife has displayed the ultimate loyalty and obedience to his request. But what he does do is everything a woman needs to KNOW she chose the right path and she will hit her knees and thank God that he allowed for her to see the truth – there needn’t be an exception to what Paul wrote in Ephesians. Everything does mean everything and God is really that big.

I received an email yesterday from a woman who has candidly told her experience of submitting in everything. She has graciously allowed me to share this experience with you:  

I know that there is quite a bit of controversy, [denial is a better word] about whether wives should obey their husbands in everything. In light of this, I would like to submit an account of the last few months in order to illustrate, first hand, that our God is bigger and infinitely more wise than wives are, and He did, in fact, mean what He said when He commanded wives to obey our husbands in everything.

To start out, a few months ago, I confessed to my husband that the Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman love scene in the Oscar winning movie Black Swan, had stirred up female fantasies in my mind and dreams. My husband became ecstatic about this and from then on, we had a long running 'lesbian fantasy' that we often joked about.

Well, after a while, and after he directly asked me if I honestly was curious enough to try this and I answered  yes, he decided that we should set something up. Once it shifted toward a future reality and no longer a fantasy, I was flooded with emotions and blame. I spent about 6 weeks disrespecting, crying, threatening to leave, apologizing, begging, and starting over again with the disrespecting. 

We made a few Craigslist personal ads, some including pictures of my genitalia, or body shots not including my face. Then, i would skim through the other ads and see trannies soliciting several men for group sex with vulgar invites in the subject line. When I started to feel the pain of the reality that I was rightfully grouped alongside these evil, reprobate fags, I started using offensively manipulative tactics in order to rationalize my own sin and make my husband feel as bad as I did, like telling him that if he doesn't love me enough to protect me from immorality just because it would be enjoyable for him to watch, then I guessed I would have to protect myself from it. Then I would take down the pictures, or entire ads, only to put them back up after we would come to some agreement where I would chose the lady, she can't be sexier than me of course, before he would even read the ad and I would decide 100% of the details i.e. if we would meet her at a hotel, have drinks first, etc.

During all these months, I was purposely ignoring God. No prayer, no Bible reading, no entertaining my conscience. Just suppression, suppression, suppression. After a while, I realized that I could only go on ignoring God for so long and all of my sexual fantasies or my obsession with increasing my husband's desire for me were not worth ignoring God anymore. I finally came to Him.

I wrote down all of the disgusting things I wanted to repent of: self obsession, disrespect and manipulation of my husband, the lesbian fantasies, the addiction to moderating my husband's exposure to women that I deemed more attractive than myself and the indignation that ensued when I could not stop a situation from happening, t.v., phone or real life where he seen an attractive woman, the will full determination to ignore God, the constant frustrations that I took out on my husband through extreme personality shifts from crazy, psycho wife to sweet, happy wife and the ignoring of our kids that they endured during the hours and hours that I spent recreating new personal ads, renewing them, taking photos, arguing with my husband and other things.

I honestly and finally gave it to God. I prayed a prayer to save my life and bring me back above water. I starting reading Hebrews. I also happened to read Dalrock's most recent M-I-L post where the comments highlighted a debate between you and a few other women about obeying your husband unto sin or not. This was yesterday.

I have always believed that the passage was written as is for a reason and I have been committed to obeying my husband no matter what command he gives me. So, when my husband got home last night, I repented to him for my emotional highs and lows and for all of the offenses that I committed against him. I told him the truth- that yes, I do have a fantasy that involves me with a woman but that it doesn't mean I have to make it a reality. I asked him if he wants us to continue with this and if he has considered if it is a sin or not with possible repercussions. He answered that yes, he wants us to continue and that he does not believe it is sinful because we, as a married couple, are choosing to do it together and that if I did it alone, without him present, it would be a sin.

At this point, I had wondered about why a woman who wants a life of promiscuity but wants it to be excused, wouldn't marry an unbeliever who would ask of her sinful  requests that she already knows she would enjoy but she would be blameless because she is obeying her husband, who will be accountable to God for the things he has asked of her. I felt immense guilt because I was going to be able to do something sinful that I would enjoy and yet my husband will be at fault and not me. I did not share this with him, just thought these things.

Anyways, we renewed another posting and answered a few emails, one of which was a couple saying that they would be down tonight to come over and let us wives get together while they watched. This was a no for my husband because he didn't want another man to see it and so we never answered them and we went into the bedroom to bed. The urgency that I felt when they responded before my husband said no, knowing that I might be doing this very thing in a few hours prompted me to say to my husband "I suppose if this is actually going to happen in the very near future, I better change our sheets." I then divulged to him that I had an internal conflict over this being done on our bed as opposed to a couch or something because of the Hebrew's verse: let the marriage bed be undefiled. I then said that I know it is just a euphemism and that it is in fact the marriage that is to remain undefiled and I understand that the bed means nothing more than the couch. I said out loud, "but you said that we are okay because this is something we are doing together."

Suddenly, my husbands countenance fell. He stopped talking and started thinking. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said "you know what I'm thinking about." I waited a few minutes and said "here, give me a kiss goodnight in case you're not done thinking before we both fall asleep." He answered "I'm not gonna fall asleep." I waited a few more minutes. Then I said "I don't mean to prod but can you tell me the gist of what you're thinking?" He answered "That verse will not leave my head. I can't get passed it."

At that moment I knew it was over. I felt a rush of relief and I just started silently  praising and thanking God. I walked with my husband, both of us drenched in sin, I did not freak out once I had addressed my convictions of this being immoral, I simply, in passing made a quick statement/joke about washing the bed sheets and it was over. My husband protected me, himself and our marriage from defilement and now he knows that I was with him.

God found a way to intervene only once I gave it to Him and still honored Him through obedience to my husband. Today is a new day for both of us. Things are different and fresh. The sun is shining brighter and our cuddles last night were more meaningful. We are united once again. Praise be to God!

Had I refused and continued to make my husband feel crappy for allowing/asking me to be with a woman, he nor I would have ever felt the real unity that we feel now. Whether I would have chickened out or put the brakes on, I may never know. I would like to think that I was at peace enough to follow through, but I don't deserve that much credit.

I hope you enjoyed my story and that it will serve as a piece of proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel is in the form of a sinful request that a wife must obey.

20 years of God's perfect timing

Remember back to the darkest, loneliest, most confusing time of your life. The most painful time you've been through. Then imagine yourself, twenty-three years later. The wounds of that painful time have been healed for many years, and you're in the midst of great harvest. You're in a time when you know in your heart, you are living the best days you have ever lived, are more joyful and thankful than you ever have been and sometimes in awe that this is your life, considering where you had come from and what a mess your life had seemed during your darkest hours.

Then imagine being able to read someone's words, someone you don't even remember, written about you during the dark time.

Exactly that happened to me yesterday. Waiting in the mailbox from the day prior was my mother's medical records from the hospital she died in. I had requested those records to learn more about the cancer she had. There was a lot I either was never told or didn't remember. She had been diagnosed when I was twelve years old and died when I was seventeen. There was much about her illness I just didn't pay attention to.

In the medical records I found bereavement assessment records. A woman from the hospital had been assigned to me to contact periodically and track how I was coping. I hadn't remembered this woman until reading the records.

Her notes about me accurately reflected a lot of what I would say about my own self looking back to that time. But there was something about reading a stranger's perspective of me that I'm not sure I know how to put in words yet.

"She is a rebellious teen."
"Dad not involved."
"Sister says she was always mixed up, not just since mom's death."
"She's like a lost soul."
"I don't think family was close."

One month after my Mother's death:
"Is a tough kid but has very little support system."
"She feels like she has her life on track now (plans for school and less partying etc.) but reading between the lines gave a different story."

Two months after:
"Our lunch date was spent talking about her boyfriend. He's "bad news" and she knows she doesn't need him or his temper but he's the only support for her now. She talked about having no self-confidence, not feeling like she deserved a "good guy" - seems to be so many instances of abandonment for her."
"Unlike other conversations she sounded sort of remote, as if she couldn't afford to have feelings right now."

Three months after:
"She seems well-organized but lost emotionally under a facade of "tough chick" - very insecure in some ways. Seems like a critical time for her."

Four months after:
"Seems impossible to reach her. And I'm not sure any of my messages are getting through."

One year later:
"She's still in school. Made Dean's list last semester."
"As always difficult to tell what's really going on. She's a very self-sufficient young lady."

There were no more records after that.

This morning I was still contemplating what I had read in those medical records and the journey I've been on since the time they were written. I watched this video, courtesy of a commentator at VP and Vox. What beautiful timing God has.

Just when you would think the ditch is too deep and I'm undeserving that's when God rocked up and opened my eyes to His reality

I began the journey of walking with God and in that experience he began to bring cleansing to defilement. He began to bring healing to my angry, wounded, ripped-off heart and then he dressed himself up in skin and loved me potently through his people. 

I met RLB two years and three months after my mother's death. We were married nine months after that. Shortly after we married I saw what RLB does when life is difficult. He reads the Bible. Even Especially when his wife was mocking him for doing so.

In case you are new here and don't know the past of the woman RLB valued enough to marry and witness to, you may read it here.

In two days RLB and I celebrate our 20th Anniversary. I am so very grateful for this man. 

Thank you, RLB, for looking past the wretched mess I was and for heeding and living God's instruction for husbands: 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. -Ephesians 5:25-33

You are my favorite thing. 

Accounting for a lack of virtue

In the comment section over at Alpha Game, commenter Jack Amok responded to this comment:

I have often thought that much of Game and Red Pill theory assumes a general lack of virtue, especially in women.

with:

You can look at it as either accounting for a lack of virtue, or assuming it. Those are different attitudes, and both are exhibited by different sets of people in the manosphere. 

 Our relationships with our daughters and other women become simplified and more productive if we, as women, embrace what men, who are successful in the socio/sexual realm, embrace.

As the more social of the sexes, we, as mothers, will witness or learn of our daughter's social interactions and will be in a position to give them advice and mentor them on how to respond and react to various social exchanges. We entertain more banal or trivial conversations with them than their fathers generally do. It is within those conversations that we can help our daughters the most with their perspectives, reactions, and attitudes.

For example, one of my daughters had a, for lack of a better word, stimulating social interaction with some friends. I could tell that whatever they talked about energized her. However when I learned what she and the girls were talking about my mother's heart sank and my concern for her relationship with God prompted me right into mentoring mode. Their conversation was about another girl. Their conversation was pure gossip.

The girl who was being gossiped about had done something they didn't like and they decided, as women do, to tighten the ranks of their herd by casting out the member who had gone afoul and solidifying solidarity among the remaining members with the fear of shame and becoming an outcast if the they themselves should make the same error.

There are several different ways I could have approached parenting this situation.

- The worst way would to have given tacit approval of the gossip by either not disciplining her or by agreeing that whatever the outcast member had done was grounds for a gossip session. This would be justifying her sin and engaging in gossip myself - a very tempting option for mothers who are in the habit of seeing their daughters as infallible extensions of themselves or are unwilling to take the time to mentor, correct, and instruct them at every opportunity that presents itself.

- I could have appealed to "ought" -

You ought to have known better.

This is an expression of expectation of someone's virtue that can be very frustrating to the wrongdoer. If I hadn't explicitly taught her this lesson she was about to learn, how should she have known better? Should it have been innate?

If I believe I, as a woman, innately posses the virtue that prevents me from joining in gossip then perhaps this expectation is warranted. But what now? My own daughter doesn't posses the natural virtue that I believe we are born with?

Also, my own honesty betrays me with the truth that I too have engaged in this type of gossip before. In fact I really don't know a woman who hasn't. I've met some really devoted Christians who are honest with fighting back the temptation to gossip - which means they too don't innately posses the virtue needed to prevent the temptation.

Ought doesn't work here. And to tell her "You ought to have known better," keeps "is" in denial.

Which leads me back to Jack's comment:

You can look at it as either accounting for a lack of virtue...

- I could respond to may daughter in a manner that accounts for her lack of virtue in this area. Which is what I did. When she told me of the conversations that were had, I calmly said to her, "Honey, you participated in gossip. That's not good." I then took the time to have a long conversation with her letting her know I understand how this happens, why it happens, and how to prevent it from happening in the future. We discussed the other girl's perspective and what she would feel like in that girl's shoes. We discussed how this sort of thing does not help anyone, in fact if we continue to engage in it and relish the false fulfillment we get from it, we are led down to deeper pits because as it is sin, it is insatiable. It leads to a damaged relationship with God and our own health and well being. I explained that resisting the urge to gossip isn't as much about protecting the girl who is the subject of the gossip, it is about protecting our own selves and choosing the path, though it is oftentimes difficult, that leads to a more fulfilling and joy filled realization that we have chosen God's Truth over Satan's lies.

RLB has been very good at accounting for the virtues that I have lacked. I appreciate the fact that he doesn't allow me to stay in my sin or keep my vices. He doesn't assume I ought to know better. He's not disappointed in me or disgusted by that which I don't naturally possess yet he does. He just corrects me as he believes he should.

Just yesterday I had an emotional reaction to a news story: "This is just ridiculous!" He listened for just a few seconds as I escalated my outrage. He then stopped me and said, "Don't be emotional about this." And then demonstrated how he shares my opinion but is able to do so without changing his mood.

Funny, I talk with my daughters about that quite often. "External circumstances do not determine our moods."

Recognizing that I lack this innate calm, rational approach to mood regulation helps me to account for it in my daughters and other women.

I am still accountable and responsible for my failures. Merely not possessing an innate trait does not relieve us, as women, from the consequences. We need to wisely learn from each situation and commit ourselves to pursue possessing the virtues that don't come naturally. While RLB is very patient with me, there is a limit to what he will put up. If he knows I have demonstrated the internalization of virtuous behavior, but am choosing presently to act as if I lack the virtue, he correctly sees it as rebellion to God and addresses that instead. Which is another thing we, as mothers, should be on the lookout for with our daughters. It's neither "You ought to have known better," nor an accounting for her lack of virtue,  at that point it is: "I know you DO know better - it's time to talk about rebellion."