The men I have known that have committed adultery on their wives have problems with their conception of what caused it. Too often men blame themselves for the adultery as a result of their lustful desires. A man doesn't accidentally stick his love rocket into another woman's love chamber. Much has happened in a marriage that should have been fixed before the lust came to fruition.
I agree that women should trust their husbands that what they say is
what they think and mean. At the same time, I think men need to be
trustworthy husbands for their wives, no matter what kind of man they
are (alpha, etc.) In my opinion, trust and open communication are two
major components of a healthy marriage, and when trust is broken, it can
be very difficult to repair the damage. I should know...as a currently
single male, I was unfaithful to my spouse, and this caused us to
separate. So I think in order for wives to trust their husbands in a
healthy marriage, men need to step up and be trustworthy to them.
-Anthony
This is how wives frustrate their husbands.
The problem with Anthony's analysis here is that he isn't looking back far enough to what started the issue. His untrustworthiness more than likely started earlier than waking up in marriage one day and deciding to lie to his spouse. Usually the fault of cheating men is the failure to love their wife.
I will pause for effect and outrage from the MGTOW stalkers.
Most of these men fail to love their wives enough to discipline them. They are fearful of their wives. They are fearful of the courts. Eventually, they feel so restricted in their decision making abilities they just indulge their base desires. Cheating/porn/strip clubs. Whatever the means to display individualism, they remain unwilling to love their wives. It's hard. They would rather lie to their wives about their own sins than tell them the Truth of their wives' sins. It isn't easy to love your wife. However, it is what God told us to do.
Redlegben
ReplyDeleteI agree with your general analysis. I’d like to add to it. IF a husband is not getting enough sex, either in quality or quantity, straying is an easier temptation for him to fall to. It’s easy to blame the guy for his “lust” or “sex drive”, but that’s not the whole problem. The reason he wasn’t having his sexual needs met is also part of the problem. If his wife was refusing him, she was the one who was sexually unfaithful to her husband.
If a married man in say his 20’s is telling his wife he needs it twice a day (not an unreasonable amount) and she is saying she more in tune with twice a year, and she’s not compromising, she is the one guilty of adultery. NO SPOSUE, male or female, has the right to withhold ANY ASPECT of martial intimacy from their partner. If your spouse can only get that need met with you, you are obligated to meet the need. That includes things like sex, or emotional attachment, spiritual issues, etc etc etc.
Generally when things break down in a marriage its because both people start withholding things that they have no right to.
I agree Res. I think it goes without saying that a wive or husband denying sex to their spouse is in rebellion to God's commands. That's the Christian framework for marriage. I didn't mention it because I think that should be the base level of understanding in Christian marriage. Wives need to know that men crave sex like food.
DeleteFathers can do great work for the next generation by letting their daughters know that their husbands will want/need/desire/deserve sex at any time. Our daughters are already well aware of this issue. So many marriage issues can be solved by this simple change.
I just love how you all enjoy speculating why each person may have an affair. When it comes down to it, each and every couple is different. Yes, sometimes your reasons are correct, but sometimes they are not, there are exceptions. How do you then justify/expain/defend it? What do you say when it isn't the wife's fault? When she isn't, as RLB said, in sin. Sometimes it really is the guys fault, not because his wife isn't disiplined, not because she is witholding. I guess my case is exceptional. I have a sick husband. An alpha with severe depression and PTSD. There isn't always a cookie cutter reason for each affair. Honestly I have yet to figure out why he did what he did. I have forgiven him. We have moved passed it. Still though, I have gone over and over in my head why he would do that? I have asked myself "was it something I did?" "was it my fault?". No. It wasn't.
ReplyDeleteFull disclosure, my husbamd I not a Christian. I guess my comment is really null and void here. Regardless, I am a Christian and being married to a non Christian man I end up on the short end of the stick when it comes to good advice. I pray. It is all I can do. It is all I have.
DeleteWow. Typos. My husband is not a christian.
DeleteThe lack of moral standard for your husband is the problem. He can't teach you. He can't love you. His definitions of teaching or loving mean nothing to the Christian. He might get some things right depending on what his moral standard is for the day, but he will never be able to be consistent without an external moral standard. It doesn't have to be a Christian one. It could be Muslim, Hindu, Shinto, or any number of belief systems with a moral standard.
DeleteThe problem with secularists and atheists is that they reject the idea of a moral standard. So what happens is, whatever they feel like is right for the day, is what they do. It could match a Christian moral standard some days, but not other days. Fortunately, if you live in the US, you have the benefit of secularists being largely influenced by Christian tradition. So their idea of what is right is oftentimes in conjunction with Christianity. The bad news is that they can decide at any time they don't think it belongs in their standard anymore.
"Most of these men fail to love their wives enough to discipline them."
ReplyDeleteYou make a great point here. And you're right, we are not supposed to live in a spirit of fear.
Of course you should add that the church has abandoned men too. Thus men stand alone in many of these instances. And by your logic, the MGTOW movement has significant merit.
I'm not big on the MGTOW, but as a near-libertarian, I never objected much to it. I figured most men would still get married. But, things seem different than when I was young and got married, and I still made all these mistakes. MGTOW is something to consider to avoid temptation.
I think one of the most important messages from the red-pill movement is for men to man up, use game, whatever, when they're dating. Get a handle on women then. If a young man pedestalizes and thinks it will get better with marriage...it won't! And for the Christian red-pill movment a key lesson is to STOP listening to all the churchian nonsense that says submit to your wives. I don't care if it comes from your pastor, FOTF, Dennis Rainey, or whoever. (And yeah, it's time to name names). Turn them off, leave that church. Read the Bible and don't listen to posers twist it for their own ends.
Make that your own way, when you go.
And by your logic, the MGTOW movement has significant merit...MGTOW is something to consider to avoid temptation.
DeleteThis is the only thing I disagree with you about. There is no merit to the movement as a Christian. In particular with those that represent it. You have either the PUA types or the hateful whiners. There are no Pauls in this movement.
It isn't okay to have MGTOW as the landing point of a failing civilization infested with feminism. It's like having fascism being the landing spot for communism. It is our responsibility to kill Hitler before he takes power.
MGTOWs don't avoid temptation. They hide it and continue to lust. It eats at their souls. There is no peace to be found in such a situation. That's why it is so important for us to return to early marriage for our children. Yet, the churches teach against this as well.
I know you disagree w/ me. However, we're commanded to resist the devil. We're taught to pray "lead us not into temptation." We're told to value wisdom.
DeleteSince most local churches have caved into feminism, to the point where alternate views aren't even understood to exist, then a man trying to obey scripture in marriage might be standing alone. Wisdom suggest he may have to go his own way.
But, we're on the same page re: early marriage. I reached the same conclusion as you, probably for the same reasons. And it disgusts me as well that churches teach against this. (In no small part b/c I see the damage and the loss that it caused me.)
“I didn't mention it because I think that should be the base level of understanding in Christian marriage.”
ReplyDeleteI believe that too. I don’t think that’s true anymore though. More and more I think the church has compromised its authority and its teaching on this. From my study in the Bible I’ve noticed that:
1. Sex was always God’s plan for mankind.
2. Men and women were created and given to each other naked.
3. Women was “formed” with the goal of pleasing the man.
4. The woman’s natural role was one of service.
5. The males visual driven and enthusiastic sex drive was part of God’s design.
6. God said that all of this was “very good”.
7. God commanded Adam and Eve to engage in frequent sex for the purpose of procreation.
8. It seems that God gave the first man and women over 100 years of sex before they started having kids.
9. The trend of long married periods before the first child seems to have lasted several generation.
10. This brings me to the conclusion that sex for pleasure was another important and key part of God’s plan for marriage.
11. When God finally got around to giving His people formal “laws” one of them was that a married man could not be pressed into military service for one year after marriage; the reason that he should stay home and “bring happiness to his wife”. I take that to mean “do it like rabbits”.
12. Not from the Bible, but ancient tradition holds that the “honey moon” was a period of one full lunar month following the marriage. During that month the married couple were locked inside their home. The brides father was required to supply them with all the mead i.e. honey wine they could drink. If the booze ran out or the wife failed to please her husband, the man could dissolve the marriage.
13. The bible commands to “let her breasts satisfy you always” It seems to me that if this is a command, it must be possible to accomplish it.
14. In order for the man to make #13 happen, it presumes that he will have ready access.
I wonder how much better marriages would be today if we followed some of those examples.
Amen.
DeleteAmen :)
Delete