Thursday, June 20, 2013

This is how wives frustrate their husbands

In my recent post: Please, don't make them talk. Just let them look pretty. I presented three different videos. Two of them are ladies from the most recent Miss USA pageant and one is Miss Teen South Carolina from 2007.

My premise for the post, that I thought I made clear with the title and the content, was to point out how ridiculous it is that these beautiful pageant contestants who have worked hard, put in long hours with coaches, and have earned the top sought after titles, are asked these political questions by liberal judges. I question whether it is for the judges to learn the ladies' political bent which is irrelevant and should have nothing to do with the judges' decisions.

Wendy Malick, a liberal feminist asked the question regarding the recent NSA surveillance scandal to Miss Alabama in the first video. Miss Alabama has no challenge answering it however her answer was quite apropos considering the post RLB just wrote, End women's suffrage. The foremost reason why we believe women should not have the privilege of voting is because they tend to trade liberty for security, as Miss Alabama quite literally stated in answer to the question.

Nene Leakes, a liberal, former stripper, and single mother, asked Miss Utah the question she stumbled all over on regarding what the wage gap between men and women has to say about society. And Aimee Teegarden, a liberal environmentalist/animal rights activist actress, asked the question of Miss Teen South Carolina about the state of education in the US - her answer has, for years, been a joke in our home. When ever someone says something stupid, we say it's because they don't have maps - come on, we can't be the only ones, that was hilarious!

I attempted to convey my point with a little humor and one double entendre but commenter, Renee, missed my point completely with this comment:
Hey now, don't act like men don't have their moments of stupidity. Not to mention that these women had to answer these questions on the spot in front of millions of people.

Some people can do it, many others can't. It has nothing to do with them being women.
Nowhere in my post did I compare these women to men. Where did I suggest that fumbling on answering a question is exclusive to women only?

I respond to commenter, Marie, regarding her comment to Renee and I attempt to clarify my position with the following: 
Well, Marie, one really only needs to listen to Joe Biden for a short while to hear any number of stupid gaffes. It's even more disgusting then. Or when our president can't even speak without teleprompters and when his people forget to lay out his written speech. "Uhhh...Uh...Uhhh People!" That's pathetic on a totally different level.
Dear Renee suffers from defending team women when there really was no comparison of women to men.

I actually have compassion for these women. They have their platforms and the wonderful good things they'll do should they be crowned. But pageantry is hard work. It is ludicrous to expect her to answer questions regarding the day's politics when she needs to focus on her poise, charm, self confidence and articulation. Should these women have been asked about their platform they would have done a great job. It's the questions that were stupid to begin with.
Renee answers with:
I'm not defending "team women". You made it seem like the amount of stupidity displayed at the Miss America pageant was exclusive to women, and it's not. Like I said, some can do it and some can't. 
Noticing a pattern here, that Renee is going to stand by her erroneous assumption of what my post was intended to be about, I say the following:  
Hey now, don't act like...
You made it seem...

I highly recommend your assessment of what I have to say be made using the words on the page.
To do otherwise can only be projection.
I understand, it's a normal response (illogical men do it too), one of my goals is to make it evident how often this is done and how often those assumptions are wrong.
She responds with this:
My assessment was made based on the words on the page. No projection from my end. You basically said that based on the women in question, that it's proof that all women shouldn't be allowed to vote. I just pointed out that idiocy is present in both men and women.

And what's with "illogical men", as if men as a whole only come either as illogical and logical?
I started to contemplate a response, reread all that had been said because I was a bit confused and then it hit me; this frustration and confusion has got to be the very same thing RLB went through when I used to do this to him.

Nowhere have I ever claimed that women should not be allowed to vote because they are stupid. Nowhere have I said that fumbling on an answer to a question in a high pressure environment is exclusive to women. In fact, don't I give examples of the two highest profile men in our country doing the same?

So what is going on here?
- Is it a woman's inability to admit her assumptions were wrong?
- Does she need me to understand how she felt about what I said and make the mindhurt/feelbad go away?
- Am I to make amends with how she felt even though what she felt I was saying wasn't what I was actually saying?
- Because her perception was that I "was acting like," "made it seem," and "basically said" something, does that make it true?

Ladies, we do this. I do this. I try very very hard not to do this.

I remember when I started stopping myself from doing this. RLB was no longer going to participate in it. If I felt that he said something he in fact did not say, he walked me through it, while laughing at me. When I'd get emphatic about how I knew exactly what he meant even though it wasn't what he said, he'd laugh and tell me that I suck at reading his mind. This was combined with me reading Vox Popoli where there was always a debate going on where I could see the same type of exchanges between Vox and an interlocutor.

I initially made myself become aware of this, not out of respect for logic, but so he would stop laughing at me. The respect for logic followed but it took some time.

It can be done. Women can separate their knee jerk reactions from their responses. They must pause, ask for clarification if needed, pray, and proceed trusting the words on the page or the words spoken.

There certainly are times that our gut instinct will alert us that there's more to a story than what's being told, especially with teenage daughters. But in our marriage relationships, ladies, trust your husbands that what they say is what they think and mean. That no hidden agendas or messages are present. Stop allowing feelings and false assumptions ruin the communication between you and your husband.

13 comments:

  1. I saw one of those wise crack sign postings the other day which relates to this topic. It said:

    When a wife says no to sex, he may try again but usually that is the end of it. When a man says no she is automatically fat, ugly, and unattractive.

    I have caught myself doing the same thing in the past. He has never said any of these things but the hamster and emotions fire up and he is confused and then frustrated.

    Also I must add, there was a time in the past when I would turn my husband down, but I no longer do this. I always attend to his needs regardless how I feel, and lets be real, it doesnt take much to change my mind anyhow. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "ladies, trust your husbands that what they say is what they think and mean. That no hidden agendas or messages are present"

    Amen.

    There is a lady of my acquaintance, a southern women of nearly 80 years of age who has for the last 30 years taught her Sunday school ladies class the same things as ya’ll are catching on to. I would have loved to have sat in one of her “sex and your husband” classes. She laid it on the line to young women in a way that no one would ever expect from a southern lady and grandmother. It’s too bad there isn’t more of this kind of teaching available to young women today. Keep it up! You ladies are doing a good work.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've always excused it with 'Well, most people don't use words with very much precision, so I have to do this interpretive dissection in my mind to understand what they mean but don't express accurately...'

    Haha.

    Oh hamster, you never stop trying.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree that women should trust their husbands that what they say is what they think and mean. At the same time, I think men need to be trustworthy husbands for their wives, no matter what kind of man they are (alpha, etc.) In my opinion, trust and open communication are two major components of a healthy marriage, and when trust is broken, it can be very difficult to repair the damage. I should know...as a currently single male, I was unfaithful to my spouse, and this caused us to separate. So I think in order for wives to trust their husbands in a healthy marriage, men need to step up and be trustworthy to them.

    ReplyDelete
  5. In addition to my previous post, I am not implying that you and RLB do not have a healthy marriage, nor am I implying that RLB is not trustworthy. I am simply adding my personal experience to this post.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you Anthony.

    Yoy said your cheating caused the separation of your marriage. What was it that caused the cheating? If you'd rather not discuss it, I understand. I support fixing marriage and forgiveness. I'm challenged with the idea that adultry must result in divorce.

    Responding to our husbands with assumptions that he's withholding, lying, or means something other than what he's said are all acts of disrespect. Wives are to respect their husbands unconditionally.

    When a wife of an untrustworthy man challenges what he says, twists his words to be what she feels he is saying and assumes he is lying or being disingenuous, nothing good comes out of it. It usually escalates and gets very ugly.

    Should a wife of an untrustworthy man believe and accept the words her husband actually says with no suspicion, no negative assumptions, no fear or insecurity, wonderful things can happen. In this she shows him her obedience to God's commands for her to respect and submit to her husband. Also she shows God her trust in Him, that she will not let fear control her. With peace in his home and trust and respect clearly shown from his wife, chances are very good his untrustworthiness would be short lived.

    Would you had been unfaithful if your wife respected you in this way?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Honestly, when I made the comments that I did, they weren't a "kneejerk" reaction, nor was there any ~emotions~ involved. I mean, when you said

    "A beautiful example of why women should not vote"....

    .....it connected women voting to the two women mentioned and others like them. You came to a conclusion or a thought about women voting based on a few women. I was just saying that stupidity is found in both sexes and that it shouldn't be used as an indication of whether or not an entire should be allowed to vote. That's all. My comments didn't come from emotion. It wasn't based on assumption, hurt feelings, etc. I came to a conclusion strictly from the words you posted and what I read.

    Now maybe if you had said "some women"....

    You may have meant something different, but I came to a different conclusion from the words I read. A simple misunderstanding :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Renee,

    SD never said that it's these women's stupidity that indicates women shouldn't vote. Why do you keep going on about that?

    And that is the point of this post - despite repeated clarifications you just wont let go of your original interpretation of SD's words. Your initial assumption was inaccurate, but you are too attached to it to hear what people are telling you and just let go of it. That's why we're saying it's emotional.

    ReplyDelete
  9. No dear, it pointed out that woman in that video who said the very thing RLB said is the natural proclivity of women. It said she was beautiful, it said She was an example. It said nothing of the next two women.
    I did not come to a conclusion about women voting based on any of these videos, I have held the belief for quite some time.

    You were wrong. You refuse to read further and insist that YOUR wrong interpretation of my point is correct. Are you being willfully obtuse or can you really not understand what this post was about.

    Your comment continues to make the point. Unfortunately it doesn't appear you are capable of understanding it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This reply was to Renee, not Phedre whose comment was made at the same time.

      Delete