In Chapter five, "Listening is the solution," the authors instruct men to learn better listening skills:
-Give her your full physical attention.
-Giver her your full mental attention.
-Listen for the right thing - how she feels about the problem.
-Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.
As we said earlier, when men are faced with a problem with emotional dimensions, we turn task oriented. Put emotions in one box, objective circumstances in another, then ignore the emotion box in order to nail a solution.I wrote previously on this topic in Validate batshit crazy? Surly you jest. So I won't spend a lot of time on what awful advice this is. However, when we as women get on a "I need to talk about my feelings" conversation, the truth is there is no end in sight. Once that that ball starts rolling, without logical input, our brains (hamster) will continue to spin out of control. This does not release us of negative emotions, in fact it piles on and leaves us with more extreme emotions than we started with.
But this sets us up for big trouble. We're busy trying to filter out a wife's feelings because we think they get in the way of solving the real problem - instead of holding the key to the real problem. We think that she's getting "too emotional" and it is clouding her thinking - never realizing that for most women, not only are their feelings the main point, but they're probably also perfectly capable of analytical thought and strong emotions at the same time. They just need to have their feelings listened to in order to "get somewhere." [...]
What she needed was a hug, and for me to hear and acknowledge her feelings. [...]
1. Acknowledge what her feeling is: "You felt disappointed." [...]
2. Affirm and sympathize with her feelings, even if you disagree with her thoughts.
A fool vents all his feelings,But a wise man holds them back. Proverbs 29:11
The most egregious advice this book offers so far is the following:
WARNING: DON'T TRY THESE AT HOME!"How not to listen."There's nothing more dismaying to a guy than when he's sincerely trying to win (to be loving and helpful), but he only commits an error. She gets hurt or angry or both. Suddenly, the man is the problem. Some collected coaching advice: In the heat of an inning, never...-tell her she's overreacting,-question her version of the facts,-wonder aloud about the time of the month,-ask her to quit crying, or-offer spiritual correction ("Are you sure you're not just envious?") (emphasis mine)
In other words, if a wife is talking about her feelings and it is clear that they are rooted in sin (coveting, false witness), a husband should keep his mouth shut and allow her to follow on down the insatiable, destructive road right to the devourer?
Unbelievable.
How about this:
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. Colossians 3:16
Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, But he who hates correction is stupid. Proverbs 12:1
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But he who heeds counsel is wise. Proverbs12:15
These authors completely ignore what Ephesians has to say about a husband's responsibilities in marriage.
Here's my advice to wives:
First off pray to God that your husband will hold you to integrity. Ask God to give you a desire for wisdom and truth. Ask God to help you see where you are in sin and repent. Thank God for a husband that will correct you. That is love, that will bring you emotional security.
If you are in need of venting your negative feelings and emotions, write them down and then bring them to the Word - and repent of all that are sinful. Respect your husband; he is not an emotional tampon there to absorb your tireless rants and blather, especially when you are being a covetous, complaining, gossiping twit. When you do talk with your husband about your feelings, honor God by respecting His commands for your husband. If that means you need to be called out on irrational and sinful talk, hit your knees in thanksgiving that you are married to a man who cares for your soul.
Emotional tampon... hahaha, quality reference.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing a great job of bringing in Scripture to the discussion. I wish more churches would be so thorough. Instead they stop at Eph 5 and twist the words to mean what they want.
ReplyDeleteI've read For Men Only. Didn't think it was the worst one I'd read. One approach is that they present their results "Women say ..." Which is true. Whether what the woman are saying is true, that's a different question. Anyway, it at least had that going for it, which isn't true of many others.
I started reading For Women Only too (my FIL lent me his copy). I had to give up b/c the nonsense there was literally making me sick.
Anyway, keep up the good work.
Thank you Dr. Torch. "For Women Only" is next on my list. You're right, "For Men Only" does a lot of surveys - it's curious how the authors decided that truth is found in the majority opinion.
ReplyDeleteFeelings are. They just are. They come, they go. You feel them, and you let them pass right on through and out.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that Christian authors try to tell such women that their feelings are the truth and that relationship or other decisions should be made based on them.
"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32.
Feelings are not the truth. They don't set us free. The Gospel is the truth and the Gospel sets you free.
And, for men, HER feelings are not YOUR truth. You let her feel HER feelings and don't make HER feelings YOUR feelings.
deti
Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
ReplyDeleteFeelings are important. Feelings matter.
But the Gospel is more important. The Gospel matters more.
deti
I listened through both those books in the past, but I was not clued to listen in to all this. We might have the hard copy here someplace, though I am not sure if it is worth the time to dig through them again.
ReplyDeleteI have noted to my wife several times that when she claims it is "not what I say, but how I say it," that the point really comes down to the fact that I disagree with her even after hearing what she has to say (at times at least). That makes her think (in her mind) that I am not listening, making an impossible hurdle. We are trying to work through that one now, though it is coming very slowly.