Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Exposing the (humorous) lies in marriage books - Part 3

In finishing the book For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, I've reached the chapter discussing sex. The chapter is titled "With sex, her "no" doesn't mean you." I don't take issue with them discussing the reasons why a woman would be tempted to say "no," even with the authors failing to reference the very important verse 5 from 1 Corinthians 7:
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
What is disconcerting is the authors wrote this for married men and men who aren't married. They state their advice is about wives and "SO's" (significant others). But like most churchians of today, are too cowardly to discus the sin of unmarried sex. Remember, chapter one states: "This book holds to a biblical world view...we have seen that these findings are consistent with biblical principles."

Here are their "Five truths about women and sex:"
Truth #1. She has a lower sex drive than you - and she'd change that if she could. 
Truth #2. She needs more warm-up time than you.
Truth #3. Your body (no matter how much of a stud you are) does not by itself turn on her body.
Truth #4. For her, sex starts in her heart.
Truth #5. She wants pleasure as much as you do - and if it's not happening, she may be reluctant.
They acquired their information from surveys so I can't argue with their findings. I've learned, however, that a lot of the temptation for us women to say "no" or to not initiate sex comes from a lack of submission to our husbands, diminished attraction due to our husbands failing our fitness tests (another reason women need to recognize when they're doing this and stop) and our husband's participation in over supplicating behavior (that is many times by our own request). Here's the suggestions for "ordinary husbands" to overcome these truths: 
1) Pay attention to her - it's the little things. 
2) Give Chase, Agent 007, (The time for pursuit is...always.)
3) Warm her up.
4) Sometimes, hug her just to hug her
5) Help her around the house. It helps you. 
6) Don't take "not tonight" personally - use it as a learning tool. 
7) Clean up your act
8) When in doubt, ask her.
Most of these suggestions will only contribute to the problem. When you look at these in comparison to an infamous PUA's (pick up artist) advice at Chateau Hartiste, you see a stark contrast. As well as what Athol Kay has to say at Married Man Sex Life. Of course Roissy nor Athol claim to be giving advice for Christian marriages however the frame they suggest for men leads to much more success in our personal experience (as well as testimonies I've read from various bloggers and commenters).

Number five is particularly amusing, here is the full section: 
     On the survey, about 60 percent of women interviewed said that simple helpfulness around the house would increase the likelihood that they would want to make love more frequently - if only because they would have more energy! As you'd expect, the margin was significantly higher (up to 70 percent) among women who worked outside the home or had school-age kids. 
     As one stay-at-home mom said, "My husband and I have a little joke between us. I say, 'Honey, there is nothing more sexy than watching you clean something. And there's really nothing more sexy than watching you clean the toilet!' It's all about feeling that he wants to take care of me." 
     This is not just anecdotal opinion, either. A recent study by famed marriage psychologist John Gottman found that men who do more housework have both happier marriages and better sex lives. 
     Picking up the broom or doing dishes after a hard day on the job isn't exactly...well, what were you thinking when you were thinking you couldn't wait to get home! But as Gottman found, this kind of sacrificial support can often be more impressive than a dozen roses.

I can almost hear you all laughing as I'm sure you've read at least one of hundreds of write ups referencing the most recent information from The American Sociological Rewiew  that disproves this ridiculous advice. Again, I direct you to where pretty lies perish to read what the wordsmith, Roissy, has coined as "Manboob-Schwyzer Syndrome."

Ladies, really, housework is not that exhausting. You are prioritizing wrong if you are too tired for sex. Do you really think your husband cares if the floor is not waxed if he is having sex with you? The only time my muscles even get sore from housework is when it is "deep cleaning" time and I'm scrubbing behind appliances, cleaning light fixtures, and washing windows. And even then the soreness isn't even close to what I feel after an average day of lifting at the gym - and that gives me sexual energy.

I personally, can not stand how it looks to have a man pushing a vacuum or folding a load of laundry. I find it emasculating and not attractive at all. Now, RLB behind a chainsaw...different story.

That concludes my analysis of this book. I'll be reading their other book, For Women Only, next. I will be keeping my eyes open for Christian marriage books that do offer biblical and helpful advice. There's got to be some out there....


  1. How about "The 5 Love Languages"? It is one of the most popular spiritual marriage books out there.

  2. Heh - I remember that when I read that book, I instigated even more arguments with RLB. Fitness tests galore. I'll add it to my list to review. It'll be interesting to read it through a red pill lense.

  3. A new requirement to "speak your wife's love language" sounds like it could fall into the same trap as meeting all her emotional needs. Not a bad idea at times, but not something to be enslaved to.

    How about the book Love and Respect. I think I have it around here someplace. I found the audio on my iPod earlier today, so I listened to it at some point in the past.

  4. Love and Respect made a huge impact on me three years ago. While reading that book, I "got it" - a very significant awakening to what God's commands are in marriage. I look forward to reading it again. I remember asking RLB to read part of it, while he was reading he said "I don't know why you want me to read this, it's beating the crap out of you" - I said "I know - I'm starting to get it - how wrong I've been."

  5. "And there's really nothing more sexy than watching you clean the toilet!"


  6. Ironically I got that book and the For Men/For Women books at the same Family Life Today marriage weekend.

  7. "The 5 Love Languages" I'd like to see you review that one too !
    I read it a decade ago and back then it opened my eyes to what they (authors) felt women wanted, then as the years went bye, I started questioning the concept and now I wonder if it is a BETA trap. After I read the book, I gave it away, so I can't make a quick read for myself. It would be interesting to review that book through an true Biblical point of view.

  8. Sorry, I didn't read your later post, which made my post unnecessary


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.