Sunday, January 13, 2013

"You said fuck"

It's at the 2:12 mark but the whole clip is one of my favorites from Jerry Maguire.

I say it too, every now and then. RLB read something that said swearing when you hurt yourself relieves some of the pain. I put this to good use when I crushed my hand in the folding ladder (user error). The girls told their father what they heard, "Mom yelled, fuck fuck fuck!" - I did. RLB promptly comforted me with *"10% honey, 10%." We laughed but my hand really hurt. It still hurts a month later. Now, I don't talk like trailer trash all the time but I've been known to drop the occasional f-bomb. There are times it's...appropriate. More on that later.

*10% - You must be 10% smarter than the equipment you are attempting to operate. 

If you have delicate sensibilities, this is probably not the right post nor blog for you. I don't offend easily and it's natural for me to assume others don't either. I get proven wrong about that frequently.

So, yeah, we swear around here. We also smoke, drink, and watch provocative television and movies.

Oh, oh, oh, what was that? SD and RLB smoke???  Well something has to be said doesn't it!! Surely they've never heard any good old smoker shaming, have they? Really, don't waste your time.

We've been in culture shock for a while since we left the Midwest. Where we grew up you offer your guests a beer, glass of wine, or a mixed drink. If they say, "No, I don't drink," we immediately wonder how bad the problem got. That is not the case where we are now. We've learned that such drinking is only done in private. Or, if they're "Good Christians," it isn't done EVER!

I'm not trying to shame non drinkers, just trying to point out that it's a cultural difference. Especially a Christian cultural difference.

The girls and I had a three hour drive to and from their swim meet this weekend. The biggest challenge we faced was to find a radio station we liked. How is it possible to have most of the radio stations playing songs by effeminate men gushing about Jesus? I love Jesus, don't get me wrong. But I can't stomach listening to these men at church, much less listen to their sanctimonious tunes over the radio. Bleh, puke!

I'm still a fan of Metallica, GnR, Scorpions, and Pearl Jam (duh). I love me a little Trace Adkins or Cross Canadian Ragweed. Thriving Ivory and Mumford and Sons are my go to music. And, I'll admit it, there are times I like to listen to some Flo Rida, Lil Jon, and Black Eyed Peas. But when it comes to worship, I'm a hymn fan. It's what moves me. I have yet to sing "How Great Thou Art" without crying, heart exposed, complete surrender. However you worship, I don't care. I just simply can not attend a church that requires my hands in the air. It's not how I connect with God.

We watch shows like The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother with our kids. Both shows bring up fantastic discussion topics. If How I Met Your Mother gives you pause, you are missing a fantastic display of today's sexual market place. And, you've missed the latest episode, The Robin. Where the truth we've always known is revealed. It was excellent. I cried.

RLB and I watch Dexter without our children. But we do watch The Walking Dead with the two older ones. Our oldest daughter is an archer (she was even before The Hunger Games). She received a zombie target for Christmas. It's really gross. And great fun to place strategically in the garage so when Mom goes out for her morning coffee and smoke it scares the crap out of her.

Oh, SD mentioned that smoking thing again.

As amazing as it will sound, RLB has witnessed to more smokers than anyone else. When we're in public, he purposefully goes out to "the smoking line" where the gross evil doers are allowed to get their fix. He strikes up the most fantastic conversations with the other shunned individuals. He does this at work too. It's uncanny how much a Private will open up to an Officer who...smokes (gasp).

One of the first and most humbling moments was after a Chamber of Commerce event about ten years ago. We had been drinking and smoking with a very successful realtor in the area. He was a young guy, in his late twenties. He was good at what he did. He listed and sold million dollar properties monthly. He had had a few drinks so we were driving him home. In the back seat of the car he started talking to RLB. He knew we were Christians who always uplifted him and encouraged him. We knew he was prone to being unfaithful to his girlfriend. We'd see him out at these events wooing beautiful women. We never judged him. RLB would tell him every now and then, "Get your life right, man."

He decided to. Right there in our car. He said to RLB, "Dude, I have snorted $150K up my nose this last year. I'm such a fuckin fraud." We listened. For a long time. Then, in one of the most beautiful moments I have ever known, RLB walked him through accepting Christ as his Savior.

If you haven't read Og Mandino's The Greatest Miracle in the World, you might not know what I mean when I say I have seen RLB be the Ragpicker. Scorning him about smoking will only be met by sheer disdain (especially if you're overweight, stressed out, have a wife that doesn't respect you, divorced and particularly if you're not a Christian), so don't go there with us.

In short, we break all of your rules. We really do. We've taught our children to play Texas hold 'em and Sheaphead and enjoy gambling nights with them. They get fined for doing stupid things around the house; leaving lights on, leaving electronics on, messy rooms etc. One dollar per offense goes into the jar. That becomes our pot come game night.

Speaking of pot. RLB can't stand it. I on the other hand... heh, I'm teasing, though I do have some old friends we visit every few years who enjoy it and, well...

I just don't fit the good girl Christian mold. I've read your blogs, I've been to those churches, I've been to those Bible studies (never again), really I have. It's not me. And, here's the tricky part, I pray a lot, I read the Bible...a lot. I have been rebuked in many many things. Not once have I received a rebuke for the things I mention above. Quite the contrary, I continually find more and more rule breaking, wretched sinners just like us that are witnessing to unbelievers and spreading the Good News.

I have mentioned in a comment before that I will not debate with an unbeliever. I will not cast my pearls to swine is what I'm saying. However, if you genuinely have questions and are seeking - that is what we love.

Back to the word "fuck."

The most appropriate, tear inducing, no-better-word-for-it example I have seen the word "fuck" can be found in this post by Athol Kay: Oh No, Not Again. If you haven't yet, you must go read it.


  1. On the music thing: I quite enjoy Creed's stuff from back when they were still a Christian band.
    Check out Higher, With Arms Wide Open, One Last Breath, Bullets, Pain Lies By The Riverside, etc.!/search?q=creed

  2. Great piece.

    Honesty is refreshing and so is a good smoke.

  3. I just don't fit the good girl Christian mold. I've read your blogs, I've been to those churches, I've been to those Bible studies (never again), really I have. It's not me. And, here's the tricky part, I pray a lot, I read the Bible...a lot. I have been rebuked in many many things.

    The more you write, the more I like you. This is just so right on. Of course, we want to make sure we are not excusing our own sins, but there is something to be said for not being a whited sepulcher.

    HHG is one of those constantly-trying-to-quit smokers.

  4. I can accept driving too fast, watching bad TV, and listening to the devil's music. I look a little more askance at the swearing. Drinking, I don't understand. But smoking? You are so going to hell.

  5. I'm new to your blog and love this post. I became a believer at 30 and have tried for 10 years to be "the right type of Christian"; a lot of the time I was just trying to figure out what that even was. I have come full circle now and I'm learning to just be myself again but with Jesus.:)

  6. Girlfriends and boyfriends don't matter. By definition, there is NO commitment involved, so 'cheating' in the sense that you are stepping out on your pretend spouse doesn't exist for those relationships...

  7. Isn't Pain Goes By The Riverside by Live? Go to Ed Kowalcyzk's solo stuff for some subtle Christian stuff. For the harder Christian music folk, try "Red".

    As someone who isn't Christian, I can appreciate someone who lives their life in a proper context.

    1. As someone who was a Christian, and now simply follows some of the tenets...It is funny you mention Live.

      I was a big fan for awhile. While Ed seems to be finding his place in the world, his heart seems absolutely huge.

      I read PluggedIn reviews on Focus on the Family and they absolutely lambaste Live. I couldn't believe it. They have a lot of good themes in their music.

  8. @SSM, "we want to make sure we are not excusing our own sins"

    Absolutely. I'll be writing an essay on this shortly. One person's sin may not be another's though it may be the very same activity.

    @Anna, Welcome! Yes being ourselves with Jesus is so important. Often new Christians adopt a new vernacular and seem to jump from one side of the horse to the other. Becoming a Christian does change many things in your life but most sins need to be crucified. It can be most frustrating to think everything will change overnight. It's also a turn off for non Christians - "I have to change everything in order to become a Christian? No thanks." Or they think "I can't become a Christian, I'm still such a sinner."

  9. I'm still a fan of Metallica, GnR, Scorpions, and Pearl Jam

    Alice In Chains wastes Pearl Jam.

    This is the best band ever. Warning: contains bad words ending in "k" like "f*ck" and "Bj*rk""

  10. I like Alice in Chains but to say they waste Pearl Jam?...Pearl Jam? You're silly.

    1. We'll have to agree to disagree. You're entitled to your own opinion, even if it's wrong. ;)

      Have you heard anything from Mad Season? It had members from AIC, Pearl Jam, and Screaming Trees.

    2. I don't think we're disagreeing on much here. If it's Staley that drives your affinity to AIC, I got that. He was crazy talented. No, I'd never heard of Mad Season. But again Staley and that notorious sound of his makes this song. Lanegan is good but the song becomes awesome when Staley comes in. That and the sax.

    3. Nah, I'm just having a little fun with you. I like some PJ songs.

      Lanegan was fine at first, but couldn't hold a candle to Layne. And agreed about the sax.

  11. What about the verses that say let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth and commanding us to dwell on the lovely, pure, and just and flee sexual immorality? I agree smoking and drinking {as long as it is not in excess} are not sins, but the bad language and raunchy television shows seem to be according to Scripture. Just curious about your reasoning on these issues.

  12. Lori,
    Regarding swearing. There was a time that RLB and I decided to not swear. What came of it? Words like NUTS! DARN IT! even FUDGE! were coming out of our mouths with the same amount of vitriol as any cuss word could. It's the heart that counts. We do not curse at each other or do so to break another's spirit. We do not use God or Jesus Christ in a swearing manner (without repenting after) and do not allow our children to either.

    If there comes a time in my Christian walk I might be of calm enough spirit to never have an unwholesome word come off my lips when crushing my hand in a ladder, well then I'll have come a long way in living my life in tune with the Spirit. It's not something of high priority to me. I don't have a foul mouth, don't get me wrong. I'm not offended by swearing when I hear it. As my post today indicates, you can say or omit all the right words but if you lack a truly gentle spirit or calm heart, the ugly will come out.

    With regards to the television shows we watch. We talk with our children very open and frankly about sex and the current culture. A Christian may watch a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother and judge it far too quickly. Of course it's fiction but has so many real examples of what our children will encounter in the world. And if you watch the show regularly, it is ALL about marriage, family, the things in life that offer TRUE happiness.

    The Bible verse you are referencing is Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

    We are not ignoring any of this. Teaching our children the truth of the world, and how to deal with it is extremely important. We guard their association but do not allow for delicate sensibilities. I have posts coming in the future that will discuss the truth of the world from our personal experience. Not the U.S., the ugly world that exists outside these borders. What we have grown to believe is pure and just and sexually immoral in our 1st world finds many different definitions in other countries.

    I don't challenge your concern. I appreciate your questions. And as much as I can explain this, I will. The puritan Christian can be doing more harm than good in spreading the Good News. Does that make sense? The Holy Spirit convicts a heart. It comes in time in a Christian walk. New Christians (especially men) will bore themselves to tears and overwhelm themselves with temptation by eliminating all things their church has deemed inappropriate. I have seen many a new Christian fall back into defiant sin because the changes were superficial and impossible to uphold. It has to come from a conviction in one's heart.

    1. Thank you for your reply. On my blog, I always try and teach God's ideals. I know not everyone can reach them but it is something that needs to be taught and aspire to for with God ALL things are possible. I love teaching believers their freedom in Christ...freedom from sin specifically. I do enjoy reading your blog and perspective. I come from a Christian, intact home which was a huge blessing. I try not to judge unbelievers because they are lost and need Jesus but we, as believers, need to look different than the world, be salt and light to a dark and decaying world. I was going to link to your blog but when I saw the f word, I was concerned because I really hate that word! Thank you for clarifying me. Sewing is the only thing in my life that made me cuss so I gave it up...I hated it anyways!:)

    2. One quick question....I see you are working on losing weight and looking good. Are you doing that in submission to your husband and wanting to please him? I wanted to use that quote that Dalrock used and kind of alluded to your wanting to lose weigh because of your husband...{my post is on gluttony and the beauty of submission} so I thought I would get the truth before publishing it.

    3. One more thing...what post had that quote in it. I want to link directly to that post.

    4. Lori,
      You and I will reach very different people based on two very different approaches and backgrounds. I have a very ugly background with a story only God could make right. I didn't start this blog for approval from anyone in the blog world. Nor for it's popularity. I've been surprised by the traffic it gets, to an extent. As my posts get more and more candid, you'll see my life was a train wreck, a very common train wreck with Christians and non. As down and dirty as I'll willingly get with commenters, the truth of salvation, forgiveness, and redemption will always be my priority. I am a firm believer that if the words being preached can not apply to the lowliest of souls, I want nothing to do with those words. I desire my testimony to be a message of hope to the Christian wife struggling with biblical submission all the way to the young girls from the Philippines I knew in Korea who were sex slaves. I want the nastiest of heathens to come across my blog and say, "Me?...He wants me? He'll forgive me?"

      I don't avoid the things that make me cuss. When I am rebuked for my sin, I tackle it head on. I don't know if your example was serious or not. If I'm challenged by something that I want to do, I don't give in. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 Every word uttered comes from the heart. I want my heart pure in all that I do. If something causes me unrest and discomfort, I challenge my heart to bring it to peace and calm.

      And this gets into your questions about losing weight. I have always held an awareness of my weight. I have a threshold that I would reach and through disgust I would work to lose the weight. It wasn't until I stopped rebelling to RLB that I committed to a body pleasing to him. Never before have I been this committed and this focused. It has completely come from obedience to God's command to submit to my husband. The pop psyche "you've got to do it for yourself" is wrong. Myself, by myself sucks. Without submission, I succumb to temptation easily. I hadn't considered my gluttony until I was in submission. I'll be doing a post about this soon as well.

      The comment Dalrock used was from the comments in a previous post of his:
      If you start there you can read the exchange I was having and how the comment came along.

    5. Thank you! I have never had a problem with swearing. I never have been openly rebellious to the Lord but in many ways I have been, ie. marriage and submission, this is why I love what you write. I offend MANY! I try to just speak truth the way I see it. I have many trolls and get many negative comments but I expect that...My main purpose for my blog is to save marriages. I love mentoring women no matter what kind of background they have come from. That matters nothing to me since we are all new creatures in Christ. I will be using this info in a post since it is very powerful. Blessings, Lori

  13. New to your blog. Directed via Dalrock's I think. What stuck out was your stand at Sheila's place.

    I think you just nuked any position you have there! hehehe. Good on ya!

    I have to say, I am really trying to work toward the idea that "Fuck" is a happy verb, not an angry adjective.

    1. Welcome CoffeeCrazed!

      I actually have never been to Sheila's blog. You may be confusing me with someone else, perhaps Sunshinemary?

      Glad you're here though. And yes, it can be a very happy verb - nothing immoral or sinful about fucking your spouse. Seriously.

    2. Thanks

      No, not SSM. Another "Sarah" then.

      an interesting take on fucking can be found in David Schnarch's, "Passionate Marriage". It represents the pinnacle of sexual interaction, as opposed to something tawdry and selfish, in his description.


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